Twenty Three Minutes
by MissyMo2005
Summary: After being called to a school shooting, the unit are left struggling to put their own feelings aside in order to get justice for the victims.
1. April 12th- 115am

_Hi guys. I've had this story sitting around for a little while now. I wasn't really sure what I wanted to do with it, and im still not really sure I thought I'd put it up on here just to see if anyone would be interested in reading the rest in the hope it might make up my mind for me!_

_April 12th-1.15am (Fourteen Hours After.)_

Despite what they tell you in the academy, no amount of training will ever really prepare you for some of the things you see on the job. You'll tell yourself, each and every time, that this has to be it- that you've seen it all- that nothing else could possibly ever be worse than what you've just seen. Then you'll put on those blue lights, and race off to another crime scene, only to have the universe prove you wrong yet again, and be confronted with something even more horrific than the last time.

The question I'm asking myself at the moment- at what point do you say enough is enough?

Is it the point where you finally stop believing that there's some good in everyone? Because if that's the case then I've well and truly passed that point today.

It's 1.15am, and I'm standing alone, in a cold and somewhat eerie corridor in a school, staring at the carnage around me. I don't allow myself to think that the little yellow number markers represent where the bodies were found.

The bodies of children.

Children who got up this morning, argued with their parents over what they were having for breakfast and how late they could stay out with their friends after school. Children who had walked to class together, making plans with their friends for the weekend- a weekend that they will now never have.

The thing is, I know without a shadow of a doubt, this is one scene I will never be able to erase from my mind. The lockers left hanging open, text books and bags strewn across the floor where the students had dropped them in a panic to get to safety. The splatter of blood across the front of the white lockers that lined the hallway.

It looks just like an ordinary school- remarkably similar to the once I attended- but I, and everyone else know, that it will never be the same here again.

No matter what we do, no matter how much we wish we could, no one can go back in time and erase what has happened here today. We can't go back in time and find a way to get here earlier, even just a few seconds earlier, in the hope that it might save the life of another child.

I've often thought that as a detective I seem to spend my time going around, clearing up the devastation left behind by the criminals, rather than actively being out in front of them and preventing them from committing the crime in the first place.

It's always the same, every crime scene we arrive at. I look at the victim- an elderly woman, a young child, a frightened teenager- and I know that it's already too late. It's already happened to them, and I'm just cleaning up the mess once again. I can go out there and catch the person who did it to them, sure. But it's never going to undo what's already happened and it's sure as hell not going to erase their nightmares. Once. Just once, I want to be able to stop it happening before it's too late.

Is that really too much to ask?

I walk further down the corridor, in the direction of the gymnasium, keeping my eyes on the floor to avoid stepping on anything. It's slow going, as I tread carefully over books, pens, purses, lunch money that litters the floor. I stop dead in my tracks as I spot a small photograph lying on the floor, in between a back pack and a pool of blood next to a yellow marker with the number four on it.

I bend down and gently pick up the photograph, holding it delicately between by gloved fingers. Two young girls smile out at me from the photo, their blonde hair flying out behind them as they grin in to the camera. I can't tell where it's been taken, their faces fill the image so I can't see the background, but the thing that strikes me is how young and carefree they look. So innocent.

"Hey, Lindsay." I look up to say Jay standing in the entrance to the gym, watching me. I slip the photograph in to my back pocket without a thought and continue to make my way through the debris that scatters the floor towards him. "Find anything?"

I shake my head. "Nothing that might help us understand why on earth he decided to come in to the school this morning and shoot eighteen of his classmates." The number of victims itself horrifies me, and then as I started to work my way down the list earlier and realised how young some of them were... I just don't have any words for it. "How's it going in here?" I ask Jay as we step through the double doors and in to the gym.

"We found two shell casings, still looking for the third. One of the kids that was shot in here was a through and through to the shoulder. Presumably the bullet is still in here somewhere but we haven't found it as of yet." He answers me as I take in the scene in the gym.

There's noticeably less lying on the floor in here, a lone basketball resting just short of the halfway line on the court and a few stray water bottles. Shattered glass is laying on the floor beside the door to the changing rooms, presumably smashed by a ricochetting bullet. It's much newer than the rest of the school, I can remember reading an article in the paper when they finished the construction last year. My eyes are drawn to another yellow marker, on the floor beside the bleachers. Number seventeen.

"Basketball practice." Jay says softly, answering my unspoken question.

I tear my eyes away from the yellow marker on the floor to look at him. I can tell by the pained expression on his face he's finding this just as hard to deal with as I am.

It's been fourteen hours since we arrived at the school.

Fourteen hours since we ran through the hallways, battling through crowds of terrified children running for the exit.

It's been fourteen hours since I held the hand of a sixteen year old girl, while my other hand was pressed down on the gun shot wound on her stomach and promised her everything was going to be okay, only for her to die less than thirty seconds later.

It's been fourteen hours since Alex O'Malley walked in to his school and opened fire on his fellow students and class mates.

Fourteen hours later and we are still no closer to establishing why he did it- and something tells me we may never really know the true answer to that question.


	2. April 11th- 730am

_Thank you to everyone for your lovely comments! I'm going to post the next couple of chapters to this over the next couple of days. After that there might be a little bit of a wait while I write the last few parts._

_April 11th- 7.30am. (Five Hours and Forty Five Minutes Before.)_

"Jay! Stop it!" I try to be stern with him and fail miserably. "We're going to be late!" He starts kissing my neck again and I know if I don't stop him soon we are going to be really, really late.

Who cares? A part of me says, and for a moment I struggle to remember the reason why I'm supposed to.

"So?" Jay asks, his voice muffled against my skin.

"Do you really want Voight to start questioning why we are both late?" I make another half hearted attempt to push him off me and untwine our legs.

He pauses and peers up at me, his cheek resting on my chest. "Voight totally knows Erin- as much as you don't want to admit it."

I pull a face at him. "Even if he does know, we don't need to rub it in his face. You don't want to poke the bear Jay- it's you he's going to come after if you do- not me." I give him another shove, much harder this time, which sends him clean out of the other side of the bed.

He lands noisily in a heap on the floor, taking the duvet with him, and proceeds to sit there and glare at me. "Was that really necessary?" He grumbles, hauling himself off the floor and heading for the bathroom.

I laugh, getting up off the bed and heading for the wardrobe. "Of course it was Halstead. I had to stop you harassing me somehow!"

He pokes his head back out of the bathroom and looks at me quizzically. "Harassing you?" He asks incredulously.

I struggle to keep a straight face. "Yep. You heard me!" I decide to continue teasing him as I pull on my shirt. Oh how I wish we could actually stay in bed all day, but unfortunately for both of us reality calls.

"I'll show you the meaning of harassed later." He mutters under his breath, making me laugh even more.

"Is that a promise?" I ask.

He raises an eyebrow and I can see that mischievous glint in his eye again. "It is now." And with that he disappears back in to the bathroom after shooting me a quick wink.

"I'll hold you to that!" I call over my shoulder as I head in to the kitchen to make some coffee.

Thankfully, there are no further hold ups and just over an hour later we arrive outside the precinct. I feel the familiar anxiety in my stomach- we've been coming in together every morning for the last three weeks and Voight hasn't said anything yet, but every morning I worry he will.

"Stop worrying!" Jay scolds me as he climbs out of the passenger seat and pauses as he waits for me to make my way around the car to join him. "I'm a big boy- I can protect myself from Voight just fine."

I raise an eyebrow at him questioningly. "Says the man who cries for mercy when I tickle him." I laugh in spite of myself. I some times find it hard to believe that the tough cop that has my back all day at work is really the same man who I go home with each night. There are two completely different sides so him, and luckily for me I'm in love with both of them.

"That is not fair!" Jay protests as we make our way to the entrance of the precinct.

I can't stop my self from laughing, which only winds him up even more. "Don't look at me like that! Serious face Jay- we've got work to do!"

"I told you we should've stayed in bed." He complains as we both nod in acknowledgement to Platt as she greets us.

I roll my eyes. "Stop moaning! We haven't even got an open case. Today's an easy day. We'll be back home again by 6 tonight and you can follow through on that promise you made earlier."

He looks at me blankly as I stop to key in the code so we can go up to intelligence and I have to suppress a smirk. "To harass me." I explain quietly. "I'm looking forward to it Halstead, you'd better not disappoint me." I tell him suggestively.

I see the look of recognition cross his face, a smile breaking out shortly after. "Oh... I see." I can feel myself flushing as his eyes rake the length of my body. "Now I just want to get this over and done with even more than before!"

I laugh as I close the gate behind us. "Can I suggest you get your ass up these stairs and get on with your job so we can leave on time?"

"Yes Ma'am." He agrees, with a mock salute before jogging up the stairs in front of me. With a shake of my head I follow after him. Although I'll never admit it to him, I'm just as keen for this day to be over as he is. I'm keeping my fingers crossed for an easy day that will pass quickly, despite the fact it's a near miracle in this unit.


	3. April 12th- 245am

_April 12th 2.45am (Fifteen Hours After.)_

"Yeah... Okay... Thanks for letting us know." Jay says, before hanging up the phone and turning around to face the rest of us. "That was my brother." He clarifies. "Rachel Parker didn't make it through the surgery."

"That's six now." Voight mutters under his breath, shaking his head. "Any news on the other kids?"

I cross my fingers in my pockets and pray for some good news. I need a small glimmer of hope, that there's still some hope out there for some of the victims. Right about now I think I'd take anything.

"Critical, but they're alive." He doesn't say it, but we all hear the 'for now' at the end of his sentence. Jay locks eyes with me for a second and for a moment I'm tempted to forget all about Voight and step in to his arms. At least there I'd feel safe, even if only for a few moments.

Voight is quiet for a few moments. "Go home and get some rest." He instructs us. "Be back at the precinct at 8am ready to start going through the CCTV."

We all hesitate. It some how feels wrong to go home after all that's happened when we are still no closer to getting any answers. I know there is absolutely no way I will get any sleep tonight. I know Voight is right though, we do need to go home and attempt to get some rest so that we can come at this fresh tomorrow- or rather later today- otherwise we will be useless.

I nod. "Come on, I'll drop you off Jay." I lie, I'm sure Voight knows that I am, but he plays along.

Jay nods and walks towards me. "Thanks." He says quietly.

I cast another quick glance around the gym before we walk out. We've spent an hour and a half searching for the missing bullet, and still haven't found it. Something tells me Voight and Olinsky will be here for many more hours until they find it. Everything in this case has to be done by the book, and that includes making sure we've collected every single piece of evidence. None of us want to see the case thrown out because of a stupid mistake we made- I know I'd never forgive myself.

Jay and I carefully pick our way back through the hallway, being careful not to tread on or move anything. We need everything to remain exactly as we found it until we can establish exactly what happened here and why- something I have the feeling may take quite some time.

It's slow going, but we do eventually reach the main entrance to the school. The glass from one of the doors, shattered by a poorly aimed bullet, crunches after our feet. We both keep our eyes to the ground as we duck under the tape, and are blinded by the flash of cameras and microphones shoved in front of our faces as reporters try desperately to gain some kind of information on what has happened today.

We eventually manage to push our way through them and reach the car, which is still exactly where I dumped it fifteen hours ago as we scrambled to get inside, although thankfully someone has had the sense to come and shut the doors. I climb in to the drivers seat, Jay in the passenger seat next to me and start the engine ready to head back to my apartment.

We're both silent, the only sounds are the engine and the quiet tick of the indicators as I pull out on to the main road. It's deserted apart from the news vans that line the street.

It barely takes us five minutes to reach my apartment, the roads are deserted at this time of night, and before I know it I'm wearily climbing the steps to my apartment. Jay pulls out his keys, using the small silver key I gave him a few weeks ago to unlock the door. As he flicks on the lights we turn to face each other and I finally let out a breath I didn't know I was holding.

"I've seen some things in my time, but that was..." He shakes his head as we walk in the direction of the bedroom.

"I just don't understand what made him do it."

Jay shrugs. "I guess only he knows the answer to that. We might never really know."

"We need to find out... Those people who lost their children. They need the answer." I leave out the fact that I need to know what motivated Alex O'Malley in order to make this make some kind of sense in my head.

"Voight will have all the search warrants by the time we get back to the precinct. Maybe there will be something in the boys house that will give us a clue." I know he's trying to make me feel better, but I don't think anyone could say anything that would make me feel better right now. I still can't get the image out of my head of the young girl who died right in front of me. I didn't even get the chance to find out her name.

As I strip out of my clothes I suddenly become aware of the large stains on the knees of my jeans- where I've knelt in a pool of blood on the floor without realising. My stomach churns at the thought. I strip out of my shirt and quickly realise that it's also covered in blood. How had I not noticed this until now?

Jay shoots me a sympathetic smile and I realise that his clothes are covered in similar marks. I hold out my hand to him to take the clothes. "I'll put them in the wash." He nods and passes them to me. We both know that we'll end up binning them, even if the stains do come out in the wash I'll always know they're there.

As I empty out the pockets before I put them in the washer, I pull out the photograph I picked up from the floor of the cork door earlier on tonight. The two smiling faces grin out at the once more and it makes my stomach churn again as I wonder if the girls made it out of the school alive. I make a mental note to find out tomorrow. I leave the photograph sitting on the kitchen counter next to the dollar bill and business card I've just taken out of Jay's pocket.

Jay's laying in bed, waiting for me when I finally make my way back through to the bedroom after starting the washer. We've only got a couple of hours until we have to be back at work, and I briefly wonder if it's even worth trying to get some sleep.

"Stop worrying about it." Jay tells me as I climb in to bed beside him and he puts his arms around me. "We can't do anything until we get the warrants."

I sigh. "It just frustrates me. If it was anyone one else's son we would've gone straight in there and worried about the warrant later."

"But it's not just anyone's son. If we don't do this by the book the whole case is going to get thrown out." Jay reminds me, as if I could have possibly forgotten. "Just forget about it for a few hours and get some rest, you're going to need it."

I nod in agreement, reaching over to turn off the lights, before settling myself down next to Jay in an attempt to get a little rest- no matter how unlikely it is that I'll actually get any sleep.


	4. April 11th- 1230pm

_April 11th- 12.30pm (fifteen minutes before.)_

"I told you we should've just stayed home." Jay complains, his voice a low whisper in my ear. The hairs on the back of my neck stand up and the feel of his warm breath on my skin and I really wish I'd listened to him and we were still at home in bed.

Forcing myself to snap out of it, before I do something incredibly inappropriate and get us both fired, I elbow him in the ribs. "Stop pestering me and go and do something that's actually slightly useful like make me a coffee!"

He pulls a face at me, before heading for the staff room to make my coffee, finally leaving me in peace for a few moments to finish going through the files I've been trying to concentrate on all morning. The rest of the unit are out, tidying up loose ends, meaning Jay and I have been left along for most of the morning- and as a result neither of us have got any work done.

I've barely looked back down at the paper in front of me when the radio crackles in to life from where it's laying on my desk. The sound makes me jump slightly as it interrupts the peace and quiet.

"Shots fired at the high school..." I don't really catch anything else that is said, the static of the radio and the shock meaning it just doesn't sink in. I know exactly where that is though- it's a couple of blocks over from my apartment.

"Jay!" I yell, just as he appears in the doorway to the break room.

"Please tell me I didn't hear that right?" There's still a slight hint of hope in his voice, that there could be a logical explanation for all this.

I shake my head, grabbing my vest that's leaning beside my desk. Jay automatically appears beside be and begins strapping me in, before I do exactly the same to him.

We both run down the stairs, through the strangely deserted entrance to the precinct, and out to the car. My heart is in my mouth as the engine roars to life and we take off at breakneck speed, weaving in and out of the traffic.

It actually takes us less than five minutes to arrive at the school, but it feels like a life time to me.

As I park the car, dumping it halfway up the sidewalk in front of the building, there's another gun shot. As we jump out of the car, guns drawn, there is the distant scream of sirens and I spot a patrol unit approaching from the other side. Jay signals at them to go around to the side door as we make our way to the front entrance.

The shattered glass of the doors crunches under our feet as we walk up the three steps. We are both on edge, I can see how tense Jay is from the way his fingers are clenched around his gun. There are so many places a shooter could hide in a place like this, and so many people who could get hurt if we make the wrong move.

As we step inside the hallway is deserted, except for one girl who's lying face down on the floor, a pool of blood spreading out underneath her. Jay edges towards her silently as I keep watch. He crouches down beside her, fingers reaching out to feel her neck for a pulse. He hesitates for a moment before straightening up and shaking his head.

I nod in acknowledgement, forcing myself not to look at the girls body. I haven't got time to think about how terrible what's happened- or rather happening right now- is, we still need to find the shooter before he can kill anyone else.

The sound of crunching glass behind causes me and Jay to spin around, to find Voight and the rest of the intelligence unit on the other end of our guns. Allowing myself to breathe I lower my weapon, as does Jay, and wait for Voight's instructions.

"Alright. You and Halstead carry on down the left corridor, Alvin and I will take the right. The rest of you start clearing the class rooms one by one, get the kids out of here. There's more patrol units on the way." He says in a hushed voice.

We all nod in agreement, before quickly going our separate ways. As we reach the end of the hallway, where it branches off, Jay and I split from Voight and Olinsky and continue down to the gym.

As we come around the corner there's another body on the floor. As I bend down to check for a pulse her eyes fly open, a look of terror on her face. "It's okay, I'm a police officer. Everything's going to be okay." I tell her as soothingly as I can manage.

She takes a couple of ragged breaths. "Help... Me... Please..." She gets out eventually, her face contorting in pain as I push down on the gunshot wound to her stomach in an attempt to slow down the bleeding.

"It's okay, you're going to be fine. Help is on the way now, you've just got to hang in there for me." I look up at Jay, in the hope he's going to tell me there's paramedics just around the corner, but the bleak expression on his face makes me realise that the help isn't coming- at least not while the shooter is still loose in the building.

When I look back down, her eyes have slipped closed again. "Come on, open your eyes." I plead, shaking her.

Jay reaches for her neck, before placing his hand on my shoulder. "Come on, we need to keep moving."

I hesitate for a moment, before standing up and stepping away from her. Jay motions that he's going to check the classroom to the left as I step over to the door on the right.

Bracing myself for what could be about to come I burst through the door, weapon drawn, only to be faced with a class full of terrified children huddled under their desks. "It's okay." I whisper after quickly scanning the room. "I'm a police officer, just sit tight. Someone will come and get you out of here soon I promise."

I disappear back out of the door without another word, rejoining Jay in the hallway. He nods that his room was also clear. As we continue moving down the hallway, ready to search the next rooms, when a gun shot sends us both scrambling. It's loud enough that we know the shooter is close, the question now is how close.


	5. April 11th- 1pm

_April 11th- 1pm._

Jay and I creep further down the hallway to the gymnasium, I suddenly become aware of the fact that I'm holding my breath. The anticipation of what could be on the other side of the doors has me on edge.

I quickly glance back over my shoulder, praying that Voight and Olinsky will be close behind us, but the hallway is empty. We pause as the reach the two wooden double doors to the gym. Jay holds up his fingers to me, a silent count down.

Three...

Two...

One...

We burst in through the doors, weapons drawn and quickly scan the room. There's a young boy, laying face down on the floor next to the bleachers. I can see from the huge pool of blood around him he's not going to make it. I push the thought to one side as Jay and I head further in to the gym, scanning the bleachers as we look for any places the shooter could potentially be hiding.

We make our way over to the door of the changing rooms, the glass from the door lays on the floor, shattered I assume by a poorly aimed bullet. I squint, trying to catch a glimpse of what is going on the other side of the door.

Jay and I move inside the locker room as silently as possible, the only noise the glass crunching under our feet. As we move inside I'm confronted with exactly what I'd been hoping to avoid. A young boy stands in the middle of the room, his hand gripping on to a gun tightly, his hand trembling slightly as he raises the gun to his head. On the floor at his feet a boy and a young girl, who's hair I assume has blonde before it was stained red with blood.

"Put the gun down on the ground, slowly." Jay instructs as we both aim our weapons at the shooter. I'm still struggling to comprehend how someone this young could do something like this. As he looks up at us both I find myself staring at him in confusion. The blue eyes that peer out at me from underneath a mop of ginger hair look confused- as though he doesn't understand how he ended up here.

And I don't understand how he ended up here either.

I stand there, praying that he'll just put the gun down and not do something stupid. It's been a terrible day already- the last thing I want to end up doing is being forced to shoot a kid- no matter how many other kids he's killed today.

After what feels like the longest moment of my life he lowers the gun towards the ground, kneeling on the ground and staying there as Jay moves across the room and quickly cuffs him. As he does so, I see the girls fingers twitch slightly, and feel a flood on relief as I realise she's still alive. "Get me some paramedics in here now!" I yell in to the radio.

Jay hauls him to his feet and we quickly take him out of the gym. As we step back out in to the hallway we meet Voight and Olinsky rushing towards us, closely followed by two paramedics

Voight moves towards the boy and I quickly jump between them as the paramedics continue quickly towards the gym. "Don't Hank, it's not going to help." I plead with him. The last thing we need is Voight beating a confession out of the kid, there's way too much media attention on this case.

For a moment I think he's going to push past me and go for the boy anyway, but then Olinsky puts a hand on his shoulder and pushes him further down the corridor in pursuit of the paramedics.

The chaos that has overcome the grounds of the school catches me by surprise as we escort the boy out of the front of the school and towards a waiting patrol car. The flashes of cameras and the questions being yelled by various reporters are overwhelming.

As I turn to go back inside I'm stopped in my tracks by someone grabbing hold of my arm. I turn around to find a terrified and exhausted woman clinging on to the arm of my coat. She looks really familiar and it takes me a few seconds to realise she's a judge and she's been on the trials of quite a few of our cases recently.

"My son, please. I need to find him." She begs me.

"Ma'am, if you go over to the tent-" I start, gesturing to the blue tent that's been set up to assist terrified parents with finding their children.

"Alex!" She yells, cutting me off. The relief on her face gives me hope momentarily, then I realise the boy she looks so relieved to have found is the same boy my partner is putting in the back of the patrol car. "Where are you taking him?" She asks me, looking confused- and I have no idea how to explain to her what's happened.

"I think you'd better come with me." I say eventually, lifting the tape so she can duck under,

She looks at me, confusion and concern on her face, before hesitantly following after me. "What's going on?"

"I'll explain everything to you in a moment ma'am." I lead her over to Voight's car which is near by so we can talk privately. As she follows me I catch Jays eye and thankfully he joins us. How on earth do I tell this woman her son came in to school today and shot eighteen people?


	6. April 12th- 7am

_April 12th- 7am_

"We should get up." Jay says, making me jump slightly as his voice penetrates my thoughts. I hadn't even realised he was awake.

"Sorry, I didn't mean to wake you." I apologise quickly, I've had the most restless night I can remember, and I'm sure my tossing and turning has probably made it even harder for Jay to sleep than it already was.

He rolls over to face me and I can see him scrutinising my expression, looking for some kind of sign I'm not handling this all as well as I'm claiming to be. "It's okay, I didn't sleep much either."

I shuffle across the bed until I'm laying with my head on his chest, his arms wrap around me automatically and just for a moment I feel like everything's going to be okay. "Why do you think he did it?" I ask tentatively. It's the question that's been playing on my mind all night.

I feel his chest dip slightly as he exhales, hesitating as he thinks about what to say. "Honestly? I don't know... I'm not even sure I want to."

I nod slightly, I agree with him totally. I find it impossible to comprehend that something like this has happened just a few blocks over from my apartment. The thing I'm struggling with the most, is that no matter how hard we try on this case- all the answers in the world won't bring back the children that were killed in that school yesterday.

"Come on." Jay says eventually, sitting up and pulling me with him. "Let's go and make a start on that CCTV."

I nod I'm agreement, hauling myself out of bed and getting dressed before heading for the kitchen, trying to mentally prepare myself for the day ahead. While I wait for the coffee to be ready I empty out the washer, and I can see already the stains on our clothes from yesterday aren't going to come out no matter how many times I wash them. I open up the bin and toss them inside, my eyes coming to rest on the photograph of the two girls that's still sitting on the kitchen counter.

* * *

Jay and I sit around my desk, staring at the computer screen in front of us. The image shows the entrance of the school and my heart is in my mouth as I watch the students and teachers going about their everyday activities on the screen because I know what's coming next.

The time stamp in the bottom left hand corner ticks ever closer to 12.45 as I hold my breath in anticipation. I notice Jay tense beside me, his hands clenched so tightly around the arm rest of his chair it's a wonder he hasn't broken them.

I hit pause as I see Alex O'Malley appear in the bottom right hand corner of my screen, just outside the door to the school. He's wearing a blue hoodie, pulled up so its covering most of his face and there's a black back pack hanging from his right shoulder. I glance at Jay quickly who reaches out and squeezes my hand, before nodding at me to play it.

Forcing myself to take a deep breath I click on the play icon, watching as the boy on the screen steps through the doors in to the school. He hesitates for a moment, before stepping to one side to allow someone past him. I see his lips move and it takes me a second to realise what it is he's saying, then I realise he's apologising to the person who was trying to get past him.

I feel my stomach churning, and I'm immensely grateful that I skipped breakfast this morning.

As he stands just to the side of the door he pulls his back pack off his shoulder and unzips it. He reaches inside and Jay and I watch in horror as the rest of the school carries on around him, entirely oblivious to the fact he's just pulled a gun out of his back pack.

Slinging the bag back over his shoulder he begins to walk down the corridor, glancing back over his shoulder periodically, as though he's waiting for someone to come and stop him.

If only they had.

I force myself not to turn away as I watch him make his way down the hallway, pausing behind a blonde girl who's looking for something in her locker. Jay and I watch in horror as he walks up behind her and taps her on the shoulder, then as she turns to face him, pulls the gun and holds it up to her forehead, before shooting her and point blank range.

I feel sick again.

I'm suddenly aware of the fact that I've still got Jay's hand in a vice like grip. I force myself to unclench my fingers and release his hand, just as Voight and Olinsky reach the top of the stairs.

"Where are you at?" Voight asks, pausing in the door way to his office with Alvin just behind him. I can tell from their dishevelled appearances that neither of them have even been home, let alone had any sleep.

"Victim one." Jay answers for me. The fact that I'm going to have to sit and watch footage of Alex O'Malley shooting seventeen other people suddenly hits me.

"That can wait." Voight says. "The search warrants came through for the house, I want to go and see if there's any clues there before we question him."

Jay and I nod, and I can't help but feel a little relieved that I'm not going to have to watch the rest of this straight away. "What about the others?" I ask, realising I have no idea where Dawson and Ruzek are.

"They're at the hospital, they're going to see if they can talk to any of the victims. Maybe they'll be able to tell us something about this kid that might help us make some kind of sense of all this." Olinsky answers as we head for the stairs.

"We'll meet you there." Voight says as we reach the bottom of the stairs.

Jay and I both nod in agreement, heading out the front door to find the car.

We're both silent for a moment as I slide in to the drivers seat and Jay climbs in beside me. The horrific reality of what happened yesterday is just starting to sink in now after watching the start of the CCTV footage. It's like something out of a horror movie, the idea that it actually happened, just around the corner is still impossible to comprehend, despite the fact I have seen the devastation first hand.

"Are you okay?" Jay asks me, when after a few minutes I've still not even started the engine.

"Honestly?" I sigh, glancing over at him. "I really don't know the answer to that."

He smiles at me sympathetically, reaching over to squeeze my arm gently. "Come on, let's get on with this before Voight starts asking what took so long... Maybe it'll give us some answers."

I nod, placing my hand over his for a moment before I put both hands on the wheel and begin the drive to the O'Malley's house.


	7. April 11th- 115pm

_April 11th- 1.15pm_

"Is all this really necessary?" Judge O'Malley complains as she stops beside Voight's car.

"Ma'am, if you could just get in the car we will explain everything to you." Jays voice is calm and reassuring behind me.

The judge frowns at us once more, before sighing and opening the back door of the car. I've got no idea whether she is truly oblivious to the reason why her son has just been taken away in handcuffs, or if she's just struggling to comprehend the reality and is in shock.

Jay and I both climb in to the front of the car, twisting around in our seats to look at the woman sitting in the back. I open my mouth to speak and nothing comes out.

How do you tell a woman her son shot eighteen people?

I glance at Jay quickly, trying to silently communicate with him. Giving people bad news is one of the things I've always hated about this job, but this is just on a whole new level.

"I just want to know if my little boy is okay." She says in a low whisper.

Jay nods. "Your son is fine ma'am. We will have a doctor check him over once they get him back to the precinct anyway." I can tell he's having the same issue as me with working out how on earth we are going to break the news to this poor woman.

"You still haven't told me where you're taking my son. Surely you should be out there looking for the maniac who did this!" She raises her voice towards the end and I can sense if we aren't careful this could escalate very quickly.

"Ma'am." Jay says softly. "Alex was the shooter."

There's a long pause, Jay's words hanging in the air as a whole range of emotions cross Judge O'Malley's face. After what feels like a lifetime she exhales and looks up at us. "I'm sorry detective, but you must be mistaken." She snaps.

"Ma'am, we found him holding a gun!" I protest.

She turns to glare at me. "Are you honestly trying to tell me detective that just because you found him holding a gun that means he must have done in? How do you know that he didn't take the gun from the actual shooter?" The accusatory tone to her voice makes me realise that she's not going to believe us, no matter what we say.

"Obviously, we will review all the evidence, including the CCTV footage but what we are trying to say is that at this moment your son is our only suspect." I try again, hoping that what I'm telling her might actually be sinking in this time.

"And I'm telling you he didn't do it." She says firmly, "Now am I free to leave or are you planning to arrest me for a crime I didn't commit as well?" She adds sarcastically.

Jay nods towards the door, signalling that she's free to leave. "We'll be by the house later to search his room." He tells her.

She pauses, her hand resting on the door handle. "I'll make this clear right now detectives, you won't be coming anywhere near my home without a valid search warrant."

"I'll be sure to bring you a copy ma'am." Jay replies and she climbs out of the car, slamming the door behind her.

"Well, that was..." I mutter under my breath,

"A complete train wreck?" Jay suggests.

"We need to keep her and Voight far, far away from each other." There are so many ways I can picture this all going wrong if Voight gets carried away. If this case gets thrown out because this unit did something wrong then I know I'll never forgive myself, and the likelihood is neither will the rest of America.

Jay nods. "Yeah, that's not going to end well."

We climb out of the car and start walking back towards the entrance to the school, dodging the media circus that has set up camp outside. I have to force my legs to keep moving. The last thing I want to do is go back in there and start piecing together what happened, but we really don't have a choice.

Voight and Olinsky are just inside the entrance to the school when they step back inside. "What took you so long?" Voight asks as we come to a stop in front of them.

"The boys mother was there." I explain. "It's Judge O'Malley's son."

"Well... That certainly complicates things." Olinsky mutters under his breath.

Voight shakes his head. "We need to clear the rest of the building. By all accounts the kid was the only shooter but we still need to check. Then we'll need to work on getting search warrants for the house."

Jay and I both nod. "Shall we go that way?" I suggest, pointing to the corridor that branches off to the left of us.

He nods. "We'll meet you back at the gym." He says, before nodding to Olinsky and walking off in the other direction.

Jay and I exchange a quick glance before walking in the other direction. I leave my gun tucked securely in its holster, as does Jay, but keep my hand resting on it- just incase.

There's an uneasy silence as we walk slowly down the hallway, it's too quiet in here, and it reminds me of a nightmare I used to have many years ago. this whole day has felt like one extended nightmare.

We stop next to the first door on the left, and Jay pauses with his hand on the handle to check that I'm ready.

"Go ahead." I say quietly, my fingers closing around my gun. Even though I know there almost certainly isn't another shooter I'm still on edge after everything that's happened today.

"Three, two, one..." Jay counts down quietly before opening the door quickly.

We step inside the classroom and it's clear from the scene in front of us that the children in this room left in a hurry. Tables and chairs are over turned and lying messily on the floor. Half an equation is written on the black board and papers lie scattered across the floor next to the teachers desk.

Jay and I quickly move around the room, heading for the cupboard at the back of the room. When we are just within touching distance of the handle I hear a noise from inside and it stops me in my tracks. Jay also freezes and turns to look at me.

I nod in confirmation that I heard it too.

I pull my gun out of its holster, aiming it at the door as Jay edges closer and closes his finger around the door handle.

"Three, two, one..." I mouth silently, and he wrenches the door open.

As he does so there's a terrified scream from the inside of the cupboard. I let out the breath I'd been holding as my eyes adjust to the dim lighting. On the floor of the storage cupboard are six students and a teacher, cowering in fear.

I immediately lower my gun, as does Jay. "It's okay." I tell them as soothingly as I can manage. "You're okay, we're the police. Your safe now."

They look at us warily as Jay steps forward.

"Are you all okay? Is anyone injured." He asks

Eventually the teacher finds her voice. "We're fine.. We're okay. We ran in to the cupboard as soon as we heard the gunshots." Her words come out so quickly that they all run together and for a moment I struggle to understand what she's saying. Then it occurs to me that she's in shock.

"Okay, let's get you out of here." I suggest, holding out my hand to help her up.

After a brief hesitation she reaches out to take my hand, her hand trembling slightly as she does so. There's so many questions I want to as her- how long have they been in the cupboard? Did the shooter come in to the room? Does she know what might've led Alex O'Malley to do this? But I stop myself.

I can hear Jay encouraging the students to come with us. They all look terrified still, and I can't say I blame them.

Eventually Jay coaxes them out of the cupboard and we make our way slowly out of the classroom and back along the corridor. The teacher, who's name I suddenly realise I don't even know, is gripping on to my arm so tightly I'm almost certain I'm going to have a bruise. I don't say anything to her though, I'm sure if I was in her situation I'd be doing exactly the same thing.

As we step out of the front exit to the school, the flash of cameras is blinding. Jay and I attempt to shield them as well as we can as we lead them towards a waiting ambulance.

When we reach the ambulance one of the paramedics peels the woman's fingers off my arm, before quickly helping her and the children in to the back of the ambulance where they'll be safe from the cameras that are being pointed in their direction.

As Jay and I turn to go back towards the school the attention of the reporters quickly turns to us. They yell out questions, trying to confirm the number of casualties and the identity of the shooter. One of the, grabs hold of the arm of my jacket as I pass him and I spin around to face him Jay somehow manages to sense that I'm about to lose my cool completely and puts a hand on my arm, before turning to glare at the reporter.

"Please remove your hand from my partner." His words are polite, but I can hear the threatening under tone to them

Clearly so does the reporter as he hastily removes his hand.

"As I'm sure you are aware," Jay continues, his tone icy. "This is an ongoing investigation and therefore we are unable to comment. If you'd like to back off and allow my partner and I to get on with our jobs instead of sticking your camera in our faces then that would be great!"

As we turn and walk away it suddenly dawns on me that this is only the beginning. The entire case and the trial is going to be a media circus and there's nothing we can do to stop it, which is only going to make this even more difficult than it already is.


	8. April 12th - 230pm

_April 12th- 2.30pm_

"Are you sure you're ready for this?" Jay suddenly stops in front of me, his hand on the door handle of the interview room we're about to enter.

I force myself to nod. "Might as well get it over with, can't keep putting it off forever. How about you?"

"I'm fine." He answers, just a little too quickly. I raise an eyebrow at him, but don't push it any further. I'll ask him about it later, right now we both need to focus on the task ahead of us. We've both been putting off interviewing Alex O'Malley for as long as we possibly can. If I'm honest I think I'm afraid of what he might tell us, and I don't doubt for a moment that Jay feels exactly the same.

As Jay opens the door, the first thing that strikes me is how much younger Alex is than I remember. I think in my mind I've built him to to be something much bigger and scarier than the skinny teenage boy who sits at the table, he's rested on his hands.

Even though I was there, and I found him holding the gun, I still can't quite believe that he's really capable of what he's done.

Alex glances up at us through thin, wire framed, glasses at the sound of Jay closing the door behind us.

I glance back at him quickly and he gives me a smile of reassurance, although he looks far from sure about any of this himself.

"Alex." My voice is surprisingly calm as I walk across the room and sit down at the table opposite him. "I'm detective Lindsay, this is Detective Halstead."

He looks at me, and then at Jay, before looking back down at the table. "You want to know why I did it." It's a statement, not a question.

I glance nervously at Jay. "We do Alex." He confirms, watching the boy intently as he speaks.

Alex looks back up at me, his fingers drumming lightly against the table, and I briefly catch a glimpse of my reflection in the lenses of his glasses.

"Will you answer a question for me first?" He asks, catching me off guard slightly.

I nod in response, suddenly finding myself unable to form a sentence.

"How many did I get?" He asks me.

I hear Jay inhale sharply beside me. My stomach churns and for a moment I think I'm going to be sick.

"Excuse me." I say, eventually managing to form the words. My chair scrapes noisily across the floor as I get up quickly and head for the door. I can't spend another second in this room.

As I burst through the door I nearly knock a patrol officer off his feet. Mumbling a quick apology I bolt in the direction of the locker room before anyone has a chance to stop me. I need a few minutes to clear my head and recover from what he just said.

_How many did I get?_

Replaying it in my head makes my stomach churn once again. His tone of voice- the way he sounded almost excited to hear how many of his class mate he'd killed- that's something else I know I'll never be able to erase from my mind.

A couple of moments later, as I'm sitting on the bench in the locker room, the door creaks open slowly and Jay steps inside.

He walks over silently, puts an arm around me and pulls me towards him so my heads resting against his chest. It's safe and reassuring, even if it's only for a moment before we have to return to the nightmare that is waiting for us just outside this door.

"I wondered where you'd gone." He says quietly, his voice muffled against my hair.

"Sorry... I just needed a minute. That was just..." I'm at a loss for words to describe quite how terrible it was.

"I know. Every time I think this is as bad as it could possibly get, there's something else that just takes it to another level." He gently rubs my back, and it's so familiar and soothing I feel as though if I close my eyes maybe I could pretend that we're at home in my bed rather than in the locker room.

"We should get back out there." I say hesitantly. I'm not sure I'm really ready to face Alex O'Malley again, but then again I'm not sure if I ever will be. The worst thing is this is only the beginning- after we finally finish the investigation and work out why he did what he did, we've then got to sit through the trial and go through it all over again.

"You don't have to do this if you don't want to." Jay suggests quickly. "I'll see if Olinsky or Ruzek can come and talk to him with me."

I put my hand over his and squeeze it gently. "Thanks Jay, but I'll be fine. Let's just go and get on with this."

He holds me tightly for a few more moments,before he releases me. We both stand up and head for the door silently, both bracing ourselves for what we could be about to hear.

I see a look of surprise register on Alex's face as Jay and I walk back in to the room and sit down across from him once again. Jay glances across at me and I nod slightly, telling him that I'm okay.

I take a deep breath before I speak, preparing myself for the answer that I almost certainly don't want to hear. "Why don't you talk us through what happened that day?" I suggest.

He looks up at me, a hint of a smile on his lips, once again. I have to force myself to ignore the rising feeling of nausea.

Just as he opens his mouth to speak, the door to the interview room swings open and crashes noisily against the wall. Jay and I both turn to glare at the tall, dark haired man who's standing in the door way.

"Who the hell are you?" Jay demands.

One look at the mans expensive suit tells me the answer to that question.

"I'm Mr O'Malley's lawyer." He says with a smirk. "My client has no obligation to answer your questions, and he doesn't wish to either. I need some time alone with my client. Close the door on your way out."

I can see Jay is furious, and it briefly enters my mind how lucky thus lawyer is at its Jay he's pissed off and not Voight.

"Come on." I put my hand on Jay's shoulder and he begrudgingly stands up. As we reach the door I turn back to face the lawyer. "You've got twenty minutes, then we'll be back and he will be answering our questions." I slam the door closed before he has a chance to respond and follow Jay back in the direction of the bullpen.


	9. April 12th- 830am

_April 12th- 8.30am_

I park the car directly behind Voight's, Wright out side the O'Malley's house. The house is more or less what I'd expected. It looks more like a palace than a house compared to my apartment. The perfectly manicured green lawn and the shiny red front door look like something I would've dreamt about as a child.

As we open the car doors as silently make our way up the path, the front door swings open, to reveal Judge O'Malley standing in the door way watching us with an unreadable expression.

"I thought I'd made myself clear detective, I'm not letting you in to my home without a valid search warrant." She says wearily, blocking the door way.

I can practically feel the tension radiating from Voight and I silently pray he's not about to do something stupid.

"And as promised i brought you a copy ma'am." Jay replied, stepping forward and pulling a copy of the warrant out of his pocket.

The judge takes it from his hand, her forehead creasing as she scans through it quickly. She glances up from the paper and nods resultantly. "This only covers you for Alex's bedroom." She says as she steps to one side.

"Yes ma'am." Jay nods as we file through the door and stand in the entrance hall that I'm almost certain is the same size as my apartment.

She closes the door and turns around to face us. "It's just up there." She says, pointing to the staircase that's in the middle of the room. "Second door on the left."

Voight and Olinsky move towards the stairs and I hesitate. Jay frowns at me as I turn back to look at her. "I was wondering if maybe we could have a chat while we're here your honour?" I ask.

She looks surprised. "Call me Julia... I suppose that's okay." She answers after s brief hesitation.

I nod at Jay to go with Voight and Olinsky, before following after Julia who's disappeared through an archway to my left which I soon discover leads to a kitchen. She must notice my slight awe at the size of the house as I take the seat she gestures to at the kitchen table and she walks over with two cups of coffee.

"It's just me... All alone in this big empty house now." She muses, and I'm not sure if she's talking to me or herself. "It's so quiet here without him."

I struggle to find some words as she looks up at me. The woman sitting in front of me is the complete opposite of the calm and composed judge who I've seen in the court room. She's wearing a huge blue sweater which seems to drown her, her copper coloured hair is scraped back off her face and her blue eyes are blood shot from crying. She's a mess- but then I can't exactly blame her.

"Why don't you tell me about Alex?" I suggest. I'm desperately hoping she's going to tell me something that suddenly makes this all make some kind of sense. I know that nothing we find out will ever really make sense of what her son did, but at this moment any kind of motive or reasoning for his actions would be great because so far we've got absolutely nothing.

She smiles at me sadly. "I know you'll never believe me but he's a good kid." She shakes her head. "Do you know how many times I've sat in my court room and looked at the kids in front of me that are addicted to drugs and mixed up in gangs and thought 'thank god Alex isn't like that!' I'd sit there and think you know what, he might not do his laundry and he might be incapable of tidying up after himself but he's a good kid. He comes home every night, and he sits across from me at the table- right where you are now- and eats his dinner. He goes up stairs, does his home work and I don't ever have to worry about him..." She stops, I think possibly because the realisation hits her that her son is going to jail. He's not going to be sitting across from her while he eats his dinner- instead she'll be sat on the other side of a table in a prison visiting room.

"Does Alex have any friends we could talk to? Someone who might be able to help us understand why he did this?" I ask her.

She wipes a tear from the corner of her eye and shakes her head. "Alex didn't really fit in with the kids at school... Right from kindergarten they started picking on him... Used to throw his lunchbox out of the window of the school bus everyday. I kept hoping they'd all grow up one day and it'd stop, but it never did. The only difference was he stopped telling me about it."

"What about the teachers? Did they not do anything to try and help?" I ask.

She lets out a quiet, sarcastic laugh. "When he was in kindergarten they did, but let's face it only makes it worse. By the time he was in the 2nd grade they told me he just needed to toughen up and stop making himself an easy target. So, do you know what I did? I grounded him. Those kids threw his lunch box out of the window and i punished him to try and toughen him up a bit in the hope the teacher would be right and they'd stop picking on him. I told him it was his own fault."

"Julia, you can't blame yourself for this." I say softly, trying to find a way to offer her some kind of comfort. I reach across the table for her hand but she snatches it back out of my reach.

"Oh really detective? You're honestly saying that none of this can possibly be any of my fault? Let me ask you a question- have you read the papers this morning or watched the news?" She asks.

I shake my head. I've deliberately avoided the tv because I know there will be nothing but coverage of the shooting and the last thing I need it to watch it on tv after living it all day.

"Maybe you should, because the media are pretty quick to say otherwise."

"Julia..." I protest, but she shakes her head and stands up.

"I've got nothing else to add detective. I'll let you get back to your colleagues." She disappears through another door and I reluctantly make my way up to the boys bedroom to see how the search is going.

"How's it going in here?" I ask, leaning in the doorway. Voight, Olinsky and Halstead all pause and look up at me.

"We haven't really found much. Did the Mom give you anything?" Jay asks.

"He was picked on a lot, didn't really fit in with the rest of the kids, but then that's not really a reason to take a gun in to school." I sigh.

Voight's phone rings loudly, making me jump. I watch him curiously as he has a very brief conversation, the frown lines on his forehead deepening even more than I thought was possible.

"That was Detective Mills from the 24th." He explains, straightening up. "She lives three doors down from here and her gun is missing."

My blood runs cold as I realise what he's saying. "Have we had the ballistics back yet?" I

ask.

He shakes his head. "Chase it up."

I nod, backing out of the doorway.

"Wait, that's not it. One of the kids who was shot- Elizabeth- is Mills' daughter." Voight adds.

"how is her daughter?" Im almost afraid to hear the answer to that question.

Voight facial expression alone tells me the prognosis is far from good.

The gun that was used in a school shooting belonging to a police officer, and then being used to shoot that officers own daughter.

This day just keeps getting worse.


	10. April 12th- 3pm

_April 12th- 3pm_

"Times up!" Jay announces as we walk back in to the interview room, bracing ourselves for round two.

The lawyer looks up at us both with a smug grin that makes me want to go over there and punch him in the face right now. Instead I take a deep breath, forcing myself to stay calm, as I walk over and sit down at the table directly across from him with Jay to my right.

"Let's try this again then shall we?" I'm seriously impressed by how calm Jay sounds. "Why'd you do it Alex?"

"You don't have to answer that." The lawyer interjects immediately. I clench my fingers around my pen, reminding myself to stay calm. Instead I glare at the lawyer, who smiles smugly in return.

"They had it coming to them." Alex mutters under his breath, looking down at his hands that are cuffed to the table.

Jay and I exchange a quick glance and I can't help but wonder if the camera is going to be able to pick this up with him talking so quietly. His lawyer turns to him with a look that's obviously pleading with him to shut up.

"In what way?" I prompt. If he's in the mood to talk then we might as well use the opportunity to get as much out of him as possible.

"Again- you really don't have to answer these questions." The lawyer says quickly, and I shoot him another glare, before looking back at Alex who is shifting uncomfortably under the weight of mine and Jay's gaze.

"Do you know what it's like?" He locks eyes with me, and for some inexplicable reason I find myself unable to look away despite the fact I know his stare is going to haunt my dreams tonight. "To be that kid at school that literally no one wants to talk to? To be picked last for every single team? To be shoved in to your locker more times than you can remember? To have people trip you up just so they can laugh at you? Or how about having your glasses stolen off your face and snapped in half for a laugh?"

I tear my eyes away and stare down at the table, trying to wrap my head around what he's just told us. Does he expect us to feel sorry for him? Yes- the way those kids treated him was terrible- and I have no trouble at all in believing that he's telling the truth about what they did to him.

But did it warrant him taking a gun in to school and shooting them to get revenge?

No.

After all, what he's describing isn't much different to what happened to me- and thousands of other children- in high school.

"Can you tell us how you managed to get Detective Mills' gun?" I feel relieved as Jay moves on with his questioning, not giving me enough time to dwell on how my life was made a misery when the other kids found out about my parents.

"Is she going to get in trouble?" He asks quietly, and for the first time I see something that resembles remorse. I can tell Jay is just as confused as me by this sudden change in his demeanour.

"That depends." Jay says slowly. "How did you manage to get hold of the gun?"

"Did she tell you that she used to pick me up from school when we were little?" He asks, his tone of voice suddenly changing once again. "Her and my Mom used to take it in turns to pick me and Lizzie up and take us home. I used to spend hours in their house, playing in the backyard."

I'm momentarily lost as I struggle to catch up with the sudden change of direction.

"Lizzie was my best friend, right up until we started high school. She made some new friends, got in with the popular kids, and then after that she wouldn't even look at me. She told them all kinds of things about my mom and how my dad left. She used things I'd told her to make jokes about me so they'd like her more. Why should they get to do that to me?"

"I'm going to have to advise you to stop talking." The lawyer interjects again, and I can see he's realising he hadn't got a hope in hell of wining this case if he can't get his client to stop talking soon.

"What's the point? They're going to find out everything soon enough." Alex says to him, before turning back to Jay and I. "I used to go around to their house in the summer. I'd mow the lawn, that kind of thing, and Lizzie's Mom would pay me for it. She used to invite me in for a drink when she got home from work and I guess I just kind of noticed."

"Noticed what?" Jay asks, sounding just as confused as I feel.

"She has a routine." He explains, as though it's the most obvious thing in the world. "She'd go in through the front door, put her gun and her badge down on kitchen table and then go back out to get the mail. She'd come back in again, have a coffee and open the mail and start cooking dinner. Then she'd take her gun and lock it away in a box and take it upstairs.. I didn't plan to take it at the time... I just thought it was comforting.. Just to know if I ever needed it I could get it pretty easily."

Jay and I sit in silence, trying to digest the information that we've just been given. I'd never in a million years expected him to just sit here and calmly explain to us exactly how he had managed to get a hold of the gun.

"If you don't have any other questions Detectives?" The lawyer says, suddenly reminding me of his presence in the room.

I look at Jay quickly to check with him. He nods and we both stand up and leave the room. Out in the hallway we meet Voight and Olinsky coming out of the viewing room.

"Good job." Voight says quietly. "Go and find Detective Mills and make sure she's spoken to her Union rep. This could get messy."

I nod in agreement, already heading for the door. I feel terrible, knowing that I'm going to drive to the hospital and tell a woman who's waiting to hear if her daughter is going to survive, that the career she's spent years building could be about to end.


	11. April 12th- 410pm

April 12th- 4.10pm

I spot Detective Laura Mills as soon as I turn the corner. She's sitting on a bench, clutching a child's teddy bear as she stares at the floor. Her blonde hair is sticking out in all kinds of directions and her clothes are wrinkled- presumably from sleeping in the chair beside her daughters hospital bed.

She doesn't look up as I make my way down the corridor and sit down beside her. "Laura?" I say softly, when she still doesn't look up after a few moments have passed.

When she does eventually look up at me her eyes are glassy with unshed tears. "Yes." Her voice wobbles slightly and I notice her grip on the teddy she's clutching tightens slightly.

"I'm Erin Lindsay, I'm with intelligence." I lift the hem of my T-shirt slightly so she can see my badge. "How's Lizzie doing?" I ask hesitantly, almost afraid to hear her answer.

Her gaze wanders back down to the worn teddy she's holding for a moment. "They took her back in to surgery." She sighs. "I'm waiting to hear how it's going."

I nod. "Do you mind if I sit with you for a while?"

She turns to look at me."Thanks for the offer Erin, but you and I both know you didn't drive all the way over here just to keep me company. You're here because you've had the ballistics report back and you know that it was definitely my gun that Alex used to shoot those children. Correct?"

I nod, unable to find any words.

"Exactly. So why don't you just ask me whatever it is that you want to know and save us both the hassle of this little charade?" She sighs, and I just nod in agreement. What else could I possibly say to this woman?

"I feel like I should warn you first Laura, you should really get in touch with your Union rep. Some of the things that Alex is saying could cause a lot of problems." I start.

She nods. "If I'd thought for a minute that he might take it and do something like that..." She shakes her head. "Hindsight is a wonderful thing."

"There's a lot that all of us would change about what happened yesterday if we could." I agree.

"I still can't believe that it really happened. He was always such a sweet kid. How could he be capable of doing something like this? His poor mother." She muses quietly.

Her words catch me by surprise. How can someone who's going through what she is possibly have sympathy for Alex and his mother?

"He said he used to be friends with Lizzie?" I ask her, wondering how far I can push this conversation.

She nods. "They were inseparable when they were younger. Julia and I used to take turns picking them up from school after her husband left. I still can't believe that the little boy who used to spend hours outside playing in my backyard could've shot my daughter in the back as she tried to run away from him... I keep thinking it has to be a nightmare, but I just can't wake up." Her voice cracks towards the end and she buries her head in her hands as a tear slips down her cheek.

I put my arm around her shoulders silently, I have no words to express how I'm feeling, and nothing I say is going to make this any easier for her at all.

She's right- how does something like this happen?

I can remember with horrifying clarity watching the CCTV footage of the moment Lizzie and her boyfriend Adam were shot. They'd been in the cafeteria eating lunch when the first shot had sounded. They'd got up and run for the exit, only to come face to face with Alex O'Malley before they could reach the door. Jay and I had watched in horror as Alex raised the gun to aim at Adam, shouting something at him before firing the first shot.

It had hit him in the neck, he'd bled out long before we'd arrived.

As Adam had fallen to the ground, Lizzie had turned to make a run for it, dodging her way through the trays that littered the floor. She'd taken three steps when Alex pulled the trigger again- hitting her right in the back.

I know from a quick conversation with Jay's brother Will on my way in that even if she dies survive the surgery they're currently performing, the chances of which are slim, there's very little chance of her ever walking again.

I wonder how much of this Laura is aware of, or whether she's just choosing to ignore what she's being told by the doctors in order to hang on to that tiny shred of hope that everything is going to be okay,

Even if by some miracle Lizzie doesn't suffer any kind of damage from her injuries, I know full well that the psychological impact will guarantee her life will never be the same again.

Although, I think that applies to all of us with this case, I'll never be able to erase the images of the things I've seen over the last two days from my mind.

I notice a movement from the corner of my eye and I glance up to find Will approaching us, a somber expression on his face. As I make eye contact with him he shakes his head, answering the question he knows I'm silently asking.

"Detective Mills." He says softly as he stops in front of us.

She looks up at him, wiping the tears off her face quickly, but they start again almost immediately. She knows what he's going to tell her just from his facial expression- it's the same one we've all worn when delivering bad news to relatives.

"Please... No..." She sobs.

"I'm so sorry, we tried everything we could." He says quietly as she turns towards me and sobs in to my shoulder as I hold her tightly.

Will nods to me before backing away silently, leaving me attempting to console a Detective Mills- as though that were something that might actually be possible.


	12. April 12th- 1156pm

April 12th- 11.56pm

"Shit." I mutter under my breath as I crash through the front door to my apartment, stubbing my toe as I do.

The light is still on and I can see Jay sitting on the sofa, watching me curiously.

"You're drunk." He frowns as I get closer, struggling hopelessly with my jacket. Apparently some where between my fourth and fifth shot Ive totally lost all I've my coordination.

"I might've stopped for a couple of drinks on my way home." I admit as he stands up and helps me free myself from my jacket.

"A couple of drinks of the whole bar?" He asks, pulling me in the direction of the sofa. "Will called me when you left the hospital, that was five hours ago- I've been worried Erin!"

I can tell he's annoyed with me, and I can't honestly say I blame him. I hadn't planned on going out and getting drunk, but it just kind of happened. This whole case is just in my head all the time, I was hoping that a couple of drinks might be enough to make my brain switch off for a little while.

"I'm sorry." I apologise quietly, he sighs and puts an arm around me to pull me closer. "I should've called, but I wasn't planning on going drinking. I thought I'd just go for a walk before I came home, try and clear my head a little. Then I walked past the bar and... Well."

Jay nods. "I get it. Will told me what had happened when he called. It must have been awful."

I nod, chewing on my lip in an attempt to hold back the tears that have been threatening to fall all evening. "I just... What do you say to someone who's just lost their child?"

"I really don't think there's anything you can say that's going to offer any kind of comfort Erin. It's not something that anyone should ever have to experience."

"You should've seen her husbands face when he got there." I shake my head. "I don't think I'll ever be able to forget that."

Jays arms tighten around me. "Getting drunk isn't going to help you forget it either." He says gently.

The tears I've been fighting back eventually spill down my cheeks. "I know." I sob. "But I just don't understand how he could go in to that school and shoot all those kids. Yes- they picked on him, but I got a hell of a lot worse when I was at school! It here's nothing to justify what he did!"

"We all know that Erin, and I'm sure everyone wishes they could go back in time and do something that might have stopped him. Detective Mills is going to spend the rest of her life wondering if her daughter might still be alive if she'd locked her gun away properly... We can't go back and change what's happened, the only thing we can do is try and get justice for what's happened and hope that it's going to bring some kind of peace for the families."

What he's saying makes perfect sense- now matter how much I wish I could, I can't change what's happened. In an ordinary situation, the fact I know that the offender is going to spend the rest of his life in jail might bring me some kind of comfort, but in this case we're talking about sentencing a teenage boy to life in jail, and despite everything he's done and all the pain he's caused I don't think it's ever going to feel like a victory.

"It just... I think it's just how young he is. Even though there's no doubt that he deserves to be punished for what he's done- there's something that feels wrong about sending a teenager to prison for the rest of his life." I admit.

"I know." Jay says softly. "But at the end of the day that's for a jury to decide, not us."

I nod in agreement. I'm glad that I won't be on that jury.

"I spoke to the school principal this afternoon." He adds after a short pause.

"What did he have to say?" I ask curiously. I'm still holding out a small shred of hope that someone is going to tell us something that will make Alex O'Malley's behaviour make some kind of sense.

"They're holding a memorial service on Sunday, he wanted to know if we'd be going?" He explains.

"Do you think that's a good idea?" I ask hesitantly. I can't help but worry that the parents who lost their children in the school that day are going to look at us and blame us for not getting there quick enough.

"No one is going to blame us Erin." He says softly, as though he's somehow managed to read my mind. "I think we should go and pay our respects."

I hesitate for a moment, before nodding in agreement. He's right- we owe it to the families of the victims. "Okay."

"But right now, we should get to bed. Hopefully you will have sobered up enough by the morning that Voight will never know." He stands up from the sofa and holds out a hand to pull me up.

I already feel sober after the conversation we've just had- any kind of buzz the alcohol may have given me has long worn off.

I take his hand and he pulls me to my feet, pulling me along in the direction of the bedroom silently.

"It's all going to be okay Erin, you just need to give it time." He says as he shuts the door behind us.

He sounds so sure, I just wish I could believe him.

_thanks for reading guys, I'd love it if you could leave a review and let me know what you think! Updates might take a little longer from now on- I start my training to be a police officer on Wednesday so I'm going to be pretty busy!_


	13. April 13th- 1115pm

_Hey guys, sorry for the wait. Thanks so much for all your lovely messages! Trainings been pretty tough so far, and I probably don't have time to be writing this (but here I am!) hopefully you'll enjoy this update and I can get the next part done before too long!x_

_April 13th- 11.15pm_

"Hey kid." I look up to find Voight sitting on Jay's desk, looking across at me. "What are you still doing here?"

"I was just finishing up watching the last of the CCTV footage." I explain, glancing back at my computer screen. I don't admit that it's taken me several hours to get through those twenty three minutes of footage because I can't bear to watch it, but I think he probably already knows that.

"Go home Erin. Everyone else left hours ago." He says, straightening up. I can tell from his tone of voice it's an order, not a request.

"You can't really talk Hank- have you even left work once since this happened?" I frown.

He raises an eyebrow at me. "We aren't talking about me though Erin. Besides there's no one at home waiting for me."

I feel my cheeks flush. "There isn't anyone waiting for me either." It's a lie- Jay is probably sat on my sofa right now, staring at the clock as he waits for me to come home. I told him I was right behind him and that was several hours ago.

"Do you really think I don't know Erin?" There's a hint of a smile on his lips, but I wonder if I'm imagining it.

"I don't know what you're talking about." I tell him, deciding pleading ignorance if the best policy. The last thing I need right now is a massive argument with Voight over who I can and can't see in my personal time.

He gives me the same look that he used to when I was a teenager and he knew I was lying to him.

"Do you honestly believe I haven't noticed you and Halstead?" He laughs and I feel myself flush bright red.

"I..." I struggle to find some words. Apparently Jay was right, Voight does know. The thing that is throwing me off most is the fact he doesn't seem angry.

"Don't panic, I'm not going to hurt him." He laughs quietly. "I've got to admit I'm not exactly thrilled, but as long as you're happy and it's not interfering with your work then it's okay with me I guess."

I can't keep the smile off my face as I look up at him. "Thanks Hank, it means a lot. I'm sorry we didn't tell you earlier, it's just with everything that's happened..."

He nods. "I know, it's been a hell of a week. It's good that you've got Halstead though, it's not easy to deal with something like this."

I nod silently. It's as though he's somehow able to tell that I've spent the last few nights lying wide awake staring at the ceiling because I'm too afraid of what I might see if I allow myself to fall asleep.

"Now I've said my piece- go home." He says standing up and walking back towards his office. He pauses in the doorway and turns back to look at me. "That's an order by the way."

I laugh and pull my coat on. "Yes sir!"

He laughs quietly, shaking his head. "Night kid."

"Night Hank." I call back over my shoulder from the top of my stairs.

"I was about to send out a search party." Jay comments as I walk in to my apartment just after midnight.

"Sorry, I was talking to Voight." I tell him, flopping down on to the sofa heavily.

"Oh?" I can hear the curiosity in his voice.

I turn to look at him and I can feel the smile on the corner of my lips. "It's been nice knowing you Halstead." I joke.

A look of concern crosses his face. "He knows?"

I nod, pressing my lips together in an attempt to keep a straight face.

"Oh crap." He says eventually, before I burst out laughing- unable to keep a straight face any longer. "Hey! That's not fair!" He scolds me when he realises I'm winding him up.

"Sorry." I laugh. "It's just too easy!"

He shakes his head. "I was worried Voight was going to turn up to kill me any second!'

"You're safe- for now at least!"

"He knows?" He asks and I nod. "And he's not going to kill me?"

I laugh quietly again. "Not for the moment anyway."

"Are you sure this actually happened?" He teases. "Maybe you fell asleep at your desk after I left and dreamt the entire thing?"

I stick my tongue out at him. "Shut up and come to bed. I'm too tired to deal with your sarcasm!"

He rolls his eyes at me and mutters something under his breath, but does as I say and follows me in the direction of the bedroom.

"I was watching the rest of the CCTV a tonight, that's what took me so long." I admit quietly as he climbs in to bed beside me.

I hear his breath catch in his throat. "You should've told me- you shouldn't have had to do that on your own. I would've stayed with you."

He pulls me in to his arms and I settle myself down, my head resting against his chest. "It's okay. It's something I needed to do. I need to understand what happened and why if I'm ever going to be able to do move on from this. It just took me longer than I thought it would- but I wanted to get through it all so I'm ready for tomorrow."

He nods in agreement, reaching over to turn the light off. "Maybe you'll get your answers tomorrow."

"I really hope so." I whisper in to the darkness, forcing myself to close my eyes in an attempt to get some sleep.

_apologies for the fact it's only short- hopefully I'll have more time to write next week!_


	14. April 16th- 820am

_April 16__th__\- 8.20am._

"Come on Erin, we really need to get going on we're going to be late!" Jay calls impatiently from the kitchen.

I don't answer him, instead staring back at my reflection in the mirror and smoothing out my shirt. I've changed three times already, and I still look a mess, despite the fact that Jay keeps attempting to convince me otherwise.

Today's the day of the memorial service for the children that were killed in the school shooting- the day I've been dreading. I've come up with numerous excuses as to why I can't go, but Jay's seen straight through every one of them.

He asked me earlier, what it is exactly about this memorial service that I'm so terrified of, and to begin with I couldn't answer him. But as I've been stood here, staring at my exhausted reflection in the mirror I've realised exactly what it is.

I'm terrified of seeing those grieving families, seeing the children mourning the loss of their friends and the parents who are secretly grateful that it wasn't their children.

I know once I see what Alex O'Malley has done to those people's lives with my own eyes, I honestly don't know if I'll be able to restrain myself well enough to continue questioning him. It's difficult enough as it is to sit there and listen to him describe the way he walked through the school hallways, shooting at his fellow classmates, without having the faces of their heartbroken mothers and fathers in my mind while I'm doing it.

The door to the bedroom creaks open slightly, and I turn to look at Jay, who's leaning in the doorway with his arms folded, frowning slightly. "You like fine Erin, just like you did in the last three outfits you had on."

"Hilarious Halstead." I try to joke, but my tone is flat.

His frown deepens as he steps towards me, putting his hands on my shoulders. "It's going to be fine Erin. I wish you'd tell me what it is about today that's bothering you so much."

I lean my head against his shoulder and his arms fold around me automatically. It's safe and comforting, and I wish we could just stay like this forever.

"I don't need to see any more of the damage he's done." I tell him softly. "It's hard enough, interviewing the kids that did survive by some kind of miracle, without seeing what he's done to the parents and families of the ones who didn't. How am I supposed to sit across from him and listen to him talk about how disappointed he is he didn't manage to kill more people?"

Jay exhales quietly, and I can feel his arms tighten around me slightly. "I sit there, every time we have to interview him, with my hands clenched so tightly under the table I'm surprised I haven't broken anything, because at the moment I'd love nothing more to inflict just a tiny bit of the pain he's caused to everyone else on him." His admission surprises me. He always seems to calm and professional whereas I feel like an emotional mess pretty much the entire time at the moment. "But I don't do it- because if I do that, that slimy defence lawyer of his is going to use it against us in court, and I'm not going to do anything that might mean he gets away with this… And neither will you Erin." He leans back a little to look at me. "We need to go to this thing, and show our support for the families who did lose their children that day- that's the least we can do."

I nod in agreement; he's right, as usual. "Aren't you worried that they might blame us?"

"For what, Erin?" He asks. "Did you personally hand Alex O'Malley a gun and open the door to the school for him?"

I shake my head, an image of Laura Mills popping in to my head- I wonder if she's going to be there. So far, we've managed to keep the fact that it was her gun that was used in the shooting far away from the media, but at some point it's going to come out and I can't help but feel sorry for her- it's not going to pretty when people find out.

"Well, then what is there that anyone could possibly blame you for? You did everything you could, risked your own life running in to a building where there was a shooter on the loose to try and save those children."

"And it still wasn't enough." I mumble.

"You need to stop thinking like that Erin!" He scolds me. "You did everything you could have, there was nothing more that you, or any of us could've done. I know it's hard to accept that, but sooner or later you're going to have to or this is going to eat you alive."

I know, somewhere deep down, that he's right. We couldn't have got there any faster; we had no way of stopping Alex before he reached the school. There was no way that we could've done anything else for those children that had died- but it doesn't stop me lying awake at night, wondering if we could've done something differently that might've spared just one parent the pain of losing their child.

I think he's going to say something else, but there's a knock at the door, and he pulls away from me. "That'll be Voight, we'd better get going."

I nod in agreement, and he takes my hand, holding it firmly as he leads me towards the front door of my apartment where Voight is waiting.

"You two ready to go?" Voight asks, glancing at his watch.

Jay nods, pulling the door closed behind us and locking it. I can see him and Voight exchanging a quick glance, but I ignore it. I know exactly what that look meant and I really don't want to get in to it right now.

I slide silently in to the back seat of Voight's car and Jay climbs in beside him. They're chatting quietly about something, but I tune out as I stare out the window. Voight insisted on driving Jay and I to the memorial- possibly due to the fact he thought I wouldn't turn up if he didn't- which if I'm totally honest is probably true. But this new friendship between him and Jay is just unsettling. I was well prepared for Voight to be furious and threaten to throw us both out of intelligence, but this…. I was not prepared for them to become friends.

"Erin." Voight says, breaking me out of my thoughts, and I suddenly realise that the car has stopped and we've arrived at the church where the service is being held. I feel my stomach knot as I see the groups of people around, all moving in the direction of the entrance. There's absolutely no doubt that the church is going to be packed, but I'd never expected any less.

I climb out of the car, and Jay takes my hand, squeezing it tightly. "We should get inside, Ruzek and Antonio are already in there." He says as Voight starts walking ahead of us.

I nod, not trusting myself to speak, and will my feet to move as Jay pulls me along in the direction of the entrance.

As we join Antonio and Ruzek, who are seated near the front, I spot Laura Mills out of the corner of my eye and shoot her what I hope resembles a smile. She looks smaller than I remember, and older- as though everything that's happened over the last few days has somehow aged her by at least ten years.

Then again, I feel as though this case has done exactly the same thing to me.

I look up as the Reverend steps on to the podium, looking out at the sea of people in front of him, and am confronted with huge, blown up, photographs of the children who were killed in the school, seven faces smiling back out at me. The thought occurs to me that it's very likely that there's going to be another one of these services eventually. There's eight other victims of the shooting- three of which are on life support in the hospital. My stomach flips again and my grip around Jay's hand tightens again.

"Thank you all for coming today." The Reverend says. "As I'm sure you are all aware, we are here today to celebrate the lives of the seven children who were tragically killed in the incident earlier this week." He pauses and looks around at everyone again. "I'd like to start with a poem by Mary Yamall, if I may."

He pulls a piece of paper out and takes a breath.

I can see the woman in the row in front of us rubbing frantically at her eyes with a tissue before he's even started speaking.

"This was a life that had hardly begun,

No time to find your place in the sun,

No time to do all that you could have done,

But we loved you enough for a life time.

No time to enjoy the world and it's wealth,

No time to take life down off the shelf,

No time to sing the songs of yourself,

Though you had enough love for a life time.

Those who live long endure sadness and tears,

But you'll never suffer the sorrowing years,

No betrayal, no anger, no hatred, no tears.

Just love- only love- in your life time."

As he finishes speaking I wipe a tear away from the corner of my eye. Just as I'm about to look back up, I spot Laura Mills pushing her way out of the row she's sitting in and running for the exit.

"I'll be right back." I whisper to Jay, releasing my grip on his hand and taking off after her.

It doesn't take me long to find her, she's just outside the door, leaning against the wall as she tries to stifle her sobs.

"Laura." I say quietly, and she glances up at me.

"I'm sorry." She says quickly, wiping her eyes on her sleeves. "I just can't do it."

"It's okay, I understand." I say, leaning beside her. Who am I kidding? I've got no idea what she's going through, but when I think about how hard it was for me to come here today I can't imagine what she's going through.

"What are they all going to say when they find out that I could've stopped this?" She asks, looking across at me through tear filled eyes. "I just lay there every night, staring up at the ceiling, wondering why I didn't lock my gun away properly. If I hadn't been so stupid then none of us would be here right now."

I open my mouth to speak, then close it again. I can't exactly tell her she's wrong, and that's the problem. She's going to have to live the rest of her life, knowing that if she'd done something differently her daughter, and fourteen other children, might never have had to go through this. Just like I'll spend the rest of my life wondering if I could've done something differently that might've spared just once child.

Although I'm sure Laura knows somewhere deep down if he hadn't been able to take her gun, Alex O'Malley would've found one somewhere else and used that instead, she's always going to have the 'what if' and I can't do anything about that, nor can I go back in time and bring her daughter back.

"We should go back inside." She says eventually, and I look at her warily.

"Are you sure?" I ask. "There's no shame in it Laura, people will understand."

She nods. "I need to do this, for Elizabeth. I don't know when we'll get to bury my little girl, so the least we can do is have some kind of memorial for her."

I nod. I'd almost forgotten about the fact the families had been left in limbo, unable to bury their children, until the investigation had been completed and the memorial service was as close as they were going to get to a proper funeral for their children for a while- at least until we're finally able to piece together what made Alex O'Malley do what he did.

I straighten up and pass her a tissue that she gratefully takes before we walk back up the steps to the door together.


	15. April 16th 1145am

_Hey guys, me again! I'm still really busy with my training so it's only a short update. Enjoy!_

April 16th- 11.45am

It's hours later when people finally start to filter out of the church, and there's not a dry eye in the house. I feel emotionally drained and glad that Jay has an arm around my waist for support. As we come down the steps at the front of the church i spot the last person I'd expected to see here- Julia O'Malley.

I look at Jay quickly, and I can see he's thinking exactly the same thing that I am. Emotions are running high and if anyone else spots her this could get very messy, very quickly.

"I'll go." I offer quickly. "Find the others, just incase." I add as I set off quickly across the car park to where she's standing.

"Julia." I call softly as I approach, not wanting to frighten her. "What are you doing here?"

She turns around and looks at me in surprise. "Detective Lindsay, I didn't expect you to be here either." She forces a smile. I can tell from her face she hasn't slept for days- the professionally, composed woman I knew before all this happened has disappeared without a trace, leaving behind a grieving mother, who i know without a doubt will never be the same again.

"It's really not a good idea you being here Julia." I tell her, glancing over my shoulder at the crowds outside the church who are so far oblivious to her presence.

"I wasn't planning to come." She tells me, shaking her head. "I just needed to get out of the house- it's the silence, it's suffocating me- and I was walking and I saw the signs... I thought I'd just stop for a second, but then I couldn't bring myself to."

"Julia..."

"You know what the worst thing is?" She interrupts, and I shake my head. I wouldn't even be able to begin to imagine what the worst part of her situation could be. I don't think I want to know. "I lost my son that day too." She whispers. "He's still alive, but if we're being honest he might as well be dead now- he'd probably be better off. Instead he's going to spend the rest of his life in jail. I'm never going to watch him graduate from college or get married... I'm never going to hold my grandchildren. I'm just left here, in limbo, because I don't even get to grieve because he's still alive!" She wipes a tear from the corner of her eye as she looks up at me.

"Julia, I'm so sorry." I say quietly, not really knowing what else to say.

"It's not your fault." She shrugs. "You weren't the one who left your gun lying around where my son could get hold of it."

My breath catches in my throat as her words sink in. "Where did you get that information?" I ask, trying to keep my voice calm. We've been working so hard to keep this information away from the media, and there's every possibility the Julia is about to undo all of that.

"I went to visit my son." She tells me. "I had an inkling that was what happened, but I wanted to make sure before I told anyone. The news reporters are all blaming me, saying its all my fault for being such a terrible parent, but I don't see anyone questioning why a police officer hadn't secured her gun properly at the end of her shift. Then it occurred to me that it's because they don't know... Another classic case of CPD looking after their own, wouldn't you agree?"

"Julia, come on." I plead, realising exactly what she's going to do. "She lost her child, don't take her career from her to!"

"Like I said detective, I lost my child that day too... And do you honestly think I'm going to have s career left once all this is done? No one wants a judge on their case who's son murdered a his class mates. I'm going to spend the rest of my life sat in a cold, empty house, looking at photos of my baby and wondering where it all went wrong," she snaps back at me.

I spot Jay and Voight edging closer out of the corner of my eye, getting ready to intervene if need be.

"It's not going to help Alex if you do this Julia, please." I plead again.

"I've got to try detective, what kind of mother would I be if I didn't at least do that?" She asks, before turning on her heel and quickly walking away. As soon as she steps away Jay appears beside me.

"Are you okay? What was all that about?" He asks.

I let out the breath I didn't know that I was holding. "She knows." I tell him, and he frowns back at me in confusion.

"Knows what?" Voight asks, suddenly appearing beside us.

"That it was detective mills' gun that Alex used," I tell them and I see the realisation on their faces.

"How did she find out?" Voight asks.

"Her son." I explain and he looks over Jays shoulder at the group of people still standing outside the church.

"Is she going to tell anyone?" He asks me.

I hesitate. "I don't know... If she thinks it's going to help her son she will."

"We need to warn Laura." Jay says. "Just incase. This is the last thing she needs right now."

Voight and I both nod in agreement. "I'll go." I sigh, feeling terrible before I've even started. There's no doubt that she's going to get ripped to shreds in the media, something I'd desperately been trying to avoid.

Jay squeezes my arm, silently comforting me, as I turn around and head back in the direction of the church to find Laura and break the news.


	16. April 17th- 8am

_April 17th- 8am_

"Are you actually planning to get out of bed this weekend?" Jay asks, coming out of the bathroom and frowning at me.

I shrug, turning to look at him. "I'm trying to avoid the news. I need a day off from this case, and if that means that I have to stay in bed all day then so be it." I pull the duvet up towards my chin, gripping on to it incase he tries to pull it off me.

To my surprise he laughs and lays back down beside me. "That might not be a bad idea. There's definitely worse ways to spend a weekend than laying in bed all day." He raises an eyebrow and gives me one of those looks.

I roll my eyes at him. "Get your mind out of the gutter Halstead." I laugh, shaking my head. "I feel kind of bad, taking a day off in the middle of all this- but then the other half of me is so glad to have a break, just for a day. Does that sound stupid?"

"No." He says, putting an arm around me and pulling me towards him. "It's been a hell of a week, we all need a day to just forget about everything or we'll be no good to anyone. The suspect is in custody, it's not like anyone else is going to get hurt by us taking the day off. You just need to stop worrying for a few hours and relax. It'll do you the world of good."

I sigh, allowing myself to relax back against his chest. He's right, I need a day off, or else I'm going to be no good to anyone, but it still doesn't feel quite right that I'm laying here doing nothing given everything that's gone on.

"Besides..." He whispers in my ear, his warm breath tickling my neck. "If you're really lucky I might follow through on that promise I made you."

I frown in confusion for a brief second, then as his hand begins to trail down my side I suddenly remember the conversation we had the morning of the shooting and Jay's promise to harass me.

"Oh..." I exhale quietly, a smile playing on my lips as he kisses my neck.

"I thought you'd get there eventually..." He laughs, rolling me over so I'm pinned underneath him.

"You know what... This day off is suddenly starting to look a whole lot more appealing." I laugh, sliding my hands underneath the hem of his shirt.

He laughs, kissing my neck again. "Thought you might change your mind."

I laugh again, pulling his shirt over his head and tossing it in to the far corner of the bedroom. He does the same to mine, grinning down at me looking way too pleased with himself.

Just as I think he's going to say something, the shrill ringing of my phone on the bedside table cuts him off.

I freeze immediately and Jay groans. "Just ignore it he pleads." Looking at me hopefully.

I hesitate for a moment, before I nod in agreement. Whatever it is can wait. I pull one of my hands free and fumble around for my phone to silence it. The ringing ceases immediately and I smile back at Jay.

"Now where were we?" I laugh, and he smirks back a me.

"About here I think..." He whispers, pressing his lips to mine once again.

"Mmmm... I think you're right..." I moan in agreement and I can practically feel him smirking against my skin.

Once again, the loud ringing of my phone interrupts us. Jay rolls off me and groans in frustration once again. "Just answer it." He sighs. "Who ever it is they're clearly not going to leave us alone. I bet it's Voight, even after he gives us his blessing he's still there- getting in the way!" He complains.

I have to laugh. "Give me two seconds to get rid of them, then I'll switch my phone off and I swear I'll make it up to you." I promise, rolling on to my side to grab my phone.

"I'll hold you to that." He mutters as I pick up my phone.

"Hello?" I say, holding it up to my ear. Jays wrong, it's not Voight- it's from a number that I don't recognise.

"Erin? It's Laura Mills." The voice on the other end of the phone says. I can tell, before she's said anything that something's wrong.

I sit up in the bed, as does Jay. He can see from my face something is wrong.

"Is everything okay?" I ask her quickly, trying to work out what could've happened that's upset her this much. When I spoke to her at the church she'd seemed okay, knowing that sooner or later it was going to come out that it was her gun that had been used in the shooting.

"Have you seen the news this morning?" She asks, and my heart sinks.

"I haven't." I tell her quickly, jumping out of the bed and quickly going in to the living room to turn on the tv. "Hang on one second, I'm now going to look."

I'm aware the Jays right behind me, turning on the tv for me as Laura waits silently on the end of the phone.

As the tv flashes to life the first thing that I see is the huge head line at the bottom.

_CPD Detective Laura Mills' gun used in fatal school shooting, leading to the death of seven children, including her own daughter Elizabeth._

"Laura, we always knew that this was going to happen..." I start, trying to work out how to reassure her.

"Just wait for it." She interrupts.

_'We spoke to Julia O'Malley, the mother of the shooter, who revealed that CPD have deliberately with held this information from both her sons lawyer and the media, in what she described as the Police Departments typical way of protecting its own no matter what. Judge O'Malley also went on to describe the way her son had been mistreated by the Detectives handling the case, with one of them even going as far as to try and beat a confession out of her child._

_The question that remains? Can CPD really be trusted to investigate this fairly and bring justice for everyone involved._

"Shit." Is the only thing that comes out of my mouth as the news reader finished speaking.

"My thoughts exactly." Laura replies.

Before I have a chance to think Jays phone also starts ringing, and I know without a shadow of a doubt that it will be Voight.

"Laura I'm going to have to go." I say quickly, knowing any chance of me getting a day off had now well and truly disappeared. "Stay inside and don't talk to anyone. We'll sort this out and I'll be in touch okay?"

"Okay." She agrees quickly, hanging up the phone.

Jay also hangs up his phone at the same time. "Voight wants us at the precinct ASAP." He says, something I could've guessed without him needing to tell me.

"I thought he would." I sigh as we both walk back through to the bedroom in search of our clothes. "I guess that's the end of our weekend."

Jay flashes me a sympathetic smile. "Well, you've still got to make it up to me at some point." He teases.

"I think you need to follow through on your promise to harass me first." I joke back, pulling my shirt over my head.

"Deal." He laughs, then he turns serious. "I can't believe they're saying that Voight tried to beat a confession out of that kid... His methods might not be the most conventional but he didn't do anything that the rest of us wouldn't have done."

"I know, and so will ever other cop in the city, but the media don't see it that way. And right now Julia O'Malley will say whatever she thinks has the best chance of getting her son out of jail."

Jay nods, finishing buttoning his shirt. "Well, let's go clear up this mess then!" He says less than enthusiastically.

"That's the spirit Halstead!" I smile, following him toward the door.


	17. April 17th- 845am

_Hi guys, I hope you're still enjoying this story? Please do leave a review and let me know what you think. _

_Ive been a little reluctant to post this given recent events, I really don't want to upset anyone. My heart goes out to the people of Charleston, I truly cannot begin to imagine their pain. X_

April 17th- 8.45am

As I drive around the corner and approach the precinct it becomes crystal clear that this is not going to be something that we can sort out easily. The street outside the precinct is lined with reporters, being held back by a couple of uniformed officers, who I can see are being bombarded with questions. I cross my fingers that they don't do or say anything that could make this worse than it already is.

"No wonder Voight wanted us here ASAP." Jay mutters, shaking his head and I nod in agreement.

After a brief hesitation I drive straight past the growing crowds and head around to the back entrance. The last thing we need is to have a confrontation with a TV crew as we try to get in to the building.

I just hope that Voight hasn't done anything stupid.

As we sneak in through the back entrance Sargent Platt glares as us both. And I know she's blaming the intelligence unit for the chaos that has descended on her precinct- something we will no doubt be paying for in months to come.

When we reach the bullpen we discover that we are the last to arrive, everyone else- except Voight and Olinsky- are huddled around Antonio's computer.

Jay and I both throw our jackets over the back of our chairs before joining them, straining our eyes to read the computer screen.

"What did we miss?" I ask, quickly reading through the news that they're looking at on the screen.

Ruzek turns to look at me, raising an eyebrow at me before smirking at Jay. "From the look of you two I'm going to guess Voight's phone call interrupted something." He laughs and I feel myself blush bright red from head to toe. Jay shifts uncomfortably beside me.

"Ignore him!" Antonio sighs. "You haven't missed much. Voight and Olinsky are still no where to be seen, which might be a bad sign. From the updates we've seen so far they're still going down the route of us withholding evidence to protect a fellow police officer. There's also the claims that someone might've gotten a bit rough with the O'Malley kid, but we don't know how true that is."

I nod. "Do you know if Voight and Olinsky have been to see him since he was transferred?" I ask, praying that the answer is no. I specifically asked Voight not to do this because I was worried something like this might happen.

"We don't know." Antonio answers, glancing back at the screen. "We're trying to get a hold of the visitors logs to find out. We've just got to hope that we get hold of it before the media do."

"Where are they anyway?" Jay asks.

Antonio shrugs again. "Both of their phones just went straight to voice mail." He tells us.

"God I hope they haven't done something stupid." I mutter under my breath.

"They've got the visitors log.' Ruzek says, pointing at the computer screen.

_Sargent Hank Voight, who has only recently been reinstated after spending time in jail himself after being charged with numerous offences related to corruption, and Detective Alvin Olinsky are confirmed to have visited Alex O'Malley in jail the night before his mother, Julia O'Malley, says she found her son to have been assaulted. Judge O'Malley claims that the injuries were sustained by the two CPD detectives brutally beating her son in an attempt to extract information from him while prison guards looked on, although this is yet to be confirmed. We have reached out to CPD's intelligence unit for comment, but have not yet received a reply._

There's a stunned silence in the unit as we all finish reading. With each new update this is getting worse and worse. There's a sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach that Alex O'Malley's slimy defence lawyer will find a way to use this to their advantage and get a reduced sentence. Then we'll all be forced to live with the fact that as a result of our own actions, we were able to truly get justice for what happened to those families.

"What do we do?" I ask, and I'm met with blank looks from the rest of the team. "They're not wrong, we didn't exactly make all of the information readily available. It's nothing we haven't done before, I know that, but in this case it could be our actions that mean he quite literally gets away with murder."

"We need to talk to Voight first, find out what happened." Antonio says eventually. "I'll try and find out if there's any CCTV footage of Voight and Olinsky visiting the kid. If there is and it does show what the media are claiming it's going to then we're going to have to find a way to make it go away."

We all nod in agreement, silently. I cross my fingers behind my back, praying that for once in his life Voight hasn't done anything stupid.

As we all move back in the direction of our own desks, Voight and Olinsky appear at the top of the stairs. Voight doesn't say a word, walking straight in to his office and slamming the door closed behind him. Olinsky disappears off down the corridor, shaking his head and muttering under his breath.

I slowly become aware of the fact that everyone else has turned to look at me, and I realise that they're all waiting for me to go and talk to Voight. With a sigh I turn around and walk over to his office, not bothering to knock before I go in.

"What?" He barks, looking up at me as I shut the door and sit down opposite him.

"I think it's you that should be telling me what happened, don't you?" I ask sarcastically.

I can see him biting his tongue. "Nothing happened Erin." He sighs, leaning back in his chair.

I raise an eyebrow at him. "So what were you and Olinsky doing visiting him?" I ask, failing to understand why else they would've been there.

"I got a phone call, just as we were leaving saying that he had some new information for us and wanted to talk. Alvin was still here so I took him with me. The kid was already covered in bruises when we got there, the guards said he'd been fighting with the other inmates, and then he refused to speak to us so we just left. I never laid a finger on him, no matter how much I wanted too!"

I nod in agreement, somewhat sceptically. I've known Voight long enough to know something like this wouldn't be out of character, but also that if he had done it then he wouldn't be lying to me about it.

"Are you thinking what I'm thinking?" He says after a brief pause. I nod, knowing that the same thought that's just entered my mind has just occurred to him too.

"Jay and I will look in to it." I tell him quickly. "In the meantime you and Alvin need to stay here. We done need you making this any worse than it already is."

He nods and I stand up and head for the door. "Thanks kid." He says softly as I leave his office.

Everyone looks up at me curiously as I exit Voight's office. "Jay, we are going to see Julia O'Malley. I'm not entirely sure she didn't have something to do with this."

Jay jumps up out of his chair, nodding in agreement, and I can tell he's had the same thought as Voight and I.

"You might want to wait a while." Ruzek says as we pull on our coats, pointing at his computer screen. "She's currently being interviewed on the steps of the district about the injustices her son has faced as a result of our bias towards detective mills." I can hear the annoyance in his voice.

Jay and I exchange a quick glance, contemplating what to do next.

"Well, we can hardly go and haul her off the steps in front of hundreds of tv cameras." Jay sighs. "We'll have to wait until she's finished convincing the world that we are corrupt and protect ourselves at all costs."

Reluctantly, I nod in agreement. He's right, if we try to stop her it's only going to make things even worse, if that's even possible.


	18. April 16th- 1155am

April 16th- 11.55am

"Hey Laura." I say, walking up beside the other woman as the group of people she had been talking to move away. "How are you holding up?"

She turns to look at me and smiles. I can tell from the way her make up is a little bit smeared that she's been crying, but she seems remarkably composed all things considered.

"I'm surprisingly okay." She says. "I think this might actually be good for me, it's the first time I've really spoken to the other parents, it's nice to talk to someone who actually know what I'm going through."

I nod in agreement, desperately wishing I didn't have to do this. For the first time she actually seems as though she's doing okay, and I'm going to have to ruin it again.

"It was sweet of you to come and check up on me softer what happened earlier, but I'm good, really. I'm sure you've got tons of stuff you should be doing rather than keeping tabs on me." She jokes.

"Actually Laura." I sigh, struggling to find the words to destroy her new found happiness. "I really need to talk to you. Is your husband around? He should probably hear this too."

I can see her visibly tense up in front of me as she shakes her head. "No, he's not."

"Oh.. Right." I glance over at Voight, wondering if this is really the best place for us to be having this conversation.

"He packed his bags and left after I told him it was my gun that Alex shot Lizzie with." Her voice cracks and I can tell she's struggling to keep her emotions in check. "He said he's never be able to look at me again without hating me for allowing that boy to get hold of my gun, and I can't say I disagree with him in the slightest. He packed his bags, left his wedding ring on the kitchen counter and that was that."

I'm at a loss for words, there's nothing I can do or say to soften the blow that I'm about to deliver. It seems unnecessarily cruel given everything that's already happened to her, that she's now going to have to deal with the scrutiny of the worlds media.

"Anyway." She says, wiping a tear from the corner of her eye and forcing a small smile. "What was it that you wanted to talk to me about?"

I almost tell her that it's nothing to worry about, that it can wait, just because I can't bring myself to add to her worries. But then I realise it's going to be even worse if she wakes up in the morning to find her face all over the news and the media camped out on her front lawn.

"Julia O'Malley know that it was your gun." I say quickly, just wanting to get this over and done with. "She's saying she's going to go to the media with it- I think she's hoping to shift some of the blame on to you in the hope it will help Alex."

She's silent for a moment, then much to my surprise she laughs quietly. "Of course she is." She sighs. "I'm telling you Erin, I must have done something truly awful in a previous life because this is just ridiculous! I've lost my daughter, my husband and now I'm about to lose my job too. Isn't that just perfect?"

I smile sympathetically, wondering exactly how one person can incur this much bad luck. "I know it seems like it's the end of your career at the moment Laura, but nothing is set in stone. There's no guarantee that you're going to lose your job over this. We just have to cross our fingers and wait."

She rolls her eyes and laughs again. "You can keep on believing that if you like, but let's look at this realistically, even if they don't take my badge I'm not going to be able to go back to work after this. I will always be the cop who's gun was used in the shooting. It's time for me to move on and find something new to do. I've been thinking about maybe going to visit my parents for a while, getting out of town. There's too many memories in the house."

I nod in agreement. "That might not be a bad idea, particularly if the media do get hold of this. I can't imagine it's going to be a pleasant experience." Ive been holding out the smallest bit of hope that the reporters might go easy on Laura, given the fact she's just lost her child, but I know in reality as soon as they find out it was her gun they'll rip her to shreds- regardless of the fact she's a grieving mother.

I only wish I could find a way to stop it.

"Promise me you'll call me if you need me, okay? No matter what time it is." I ask her. There's nothing I can do to stop this happening, just like there was nothing I could do to save her daughter, but I can be there to help her through it.

She nods in agreement, smiling sadly again. "I will, thanks Erin." She says, turning to walk back towards her car.

"How did she take it?" Jay asks, suddenly appearing beside me.

"Okay I guess." I tell him, leaning in to him as he puts an arm around my waist. "Her husband left, he said he'd never be able to forgive her for letting Alex get hold of her gun." I whisper.

"That's awful." He says quietly, and he squeezes me just a fraction tighter.

"Promise me you won't ever leave me like that?" I ask, my voice barely a whisper.

He kisses the top of my head. "Of course I won't, you know that." He reassures me and I nod

"I know, but it's nice to hear you say it too." I smile.

He laughs quietly. "Come on, let's get you home. Voight's waiting for us in the car." He slips his hand inside mine and leads me in the direction of the car.


	19. April 18th- 9am

_April 18th- 9am_

In the six days that have passed since the shooting, literally nothing has changed inside the school itself, despite the fact nothing will ever be the same again.

The belongings dropped by fleeing children still lay strewn across the floor, the blood that stains the floors and walls is still evident everywhere you look.

"What number is it?" Jay asks as we make our way along the corridor, trying hard not to step on anything.

I glance down at the piece of paper in my hand before scanning the row of lockers in front of us. "Number 218, it's right there." I tell him, pointing at the locker right in front of us.

Jay twists the dial on the front, using the numbers that Alex O'Malley gave us when we to,d him we'd be going to search his locker. We exchange a look of surprise as it opens on the first attempt, neither of us expecting him to have actually given us the correct combination.

I pull an evidence bag out of my pocket and nod at Jay to open it. We are both silently hoping that this is going to give us some kind of insight in to the mind of Alex O'Malley because at the moment, no matter how hard I try I still cannot even begin to comprehend what could possibly have happened that could've resulted in this kind of devastation.

It's just impossible to understand.

The first thing that catches my eye as Jay pulls open the door to the locker is the small Polaroid photograph that's taped to the inside of the door. It's of Alex, although he's a few years younger he's easily recognisable, and another face I'd recognise instantly.

Elizabeth Mills.

My heart breaks for her mother all over again as I look at her daughter, grinning out of the photograph at me, her blonde hair flying out behind her and her blue eyes sparkling. From the look on their faces I'd guess they were sharing a joke about something. At the bottom of the photo, in feminine hand writing that I can only imagine to be Elizabeth's, are the words 'best friends.'

How on earth did they go from being as happy as they were in this photo to him shooting her in the back as she tried to run from him?

I can feel Jay watching me as I extend a shaking hand towards the photo, gently detaching it and dropping it in to the evidence bag and sealing it. It's something we will certainly need to talk to Alex about.

There's a brief silence as Jay holds my gaze, before turning back to the locker and beginning to sort his way through the contents.

"There's really not much in here." He sighs, turning back to me. "It's just a pile of textbooks."

I frown. I'd been desperately hoping that something that came out of this locker would give some kind of lead. "I guess we've still got the things from his room to go through." I say disappointedly and Jay nods in agreement.

He picks up the books to push them further back inside the locker before he shuts it, then freezes.

"Jay?" I look at him in confusion as he places the top book back in the locker, the carefully lifts the middle book out and turns to face me.

"It's not heavy enough." He says, and I must give him another look of confusion because he explains further. "Look at how big this book is, it's no where near have enough. I'm telling you, there's something not right."

I nod. "I trust you, do you want me to open it?" I ask.

"Carefully." He says as I reach for the front cover of the book.

My heart is pounding in my ears as I gently pull back the cover of the book. The rush of adrenaline has got me on edge. I exhale in relief as all I'm met with is another page from a science text book.

I glance up at Jay. "Keep going." He says quickly and I flick over a few more pages.

Just as I'm about to stop, the reason why the text book was so light becomes blatantly obvious. About a quarter of the way in to the book, a hole has been carved out of the pages, leaving a hollow space.

I look up at Jay again, and I'm sure his face is a mirror of my own expression.

The hollow space is roughly in the shape of a gun, and would be just the right size to fit a weapon of the same calibre that Alex O'Malley used in the shooting. Only we know that his gun was not stored inside this book. We've both watched the CCTV footage time and time again, watching as he pauses just inside the door to pull the gun out of his backpack.

Never one during that twenty three minutes of horrifying footage did he go anywhere near his locker.

So why did he go to the effort of cutting out the space in the book to hide it?

Just like everything else in this case, it makes absolutely no sense at all.

"Erin." Jay points in the the locker, where there's a small scrap of paper shoved right in to the corner.

I nod, reaching in to the locker and pulling out the piece of paper. It's a page from the same text book that Jay is holding and as I unscrew it, I discover that there's writing inside.

"You know what to do... A." I read the note, stunned by what this could mean. "You don't think... I mean, there couldn't be... Could there?"

"There was a second shooter." Jay breaths, sounding just as shocked and confused as I feel.

"How is that even possible?" I ask, still reeling. "It can't be, we've watched the CCTV."

Jay shakes his head. "The blind spots- the camera in the hallway to the gym wasn't working and there are no cameras in the locker room."

"But the ballistics report matched the gun we found on Alex." I argue, trying to find some kind of reason why this can't be true. It's just too difficult to comprehend.

"The bullets we've recovered so far do." He says, closing the text book and dropping it in to an evidence bag. "One of the girl from the locker room hasn't had the surgery to remove it yet so we can't be sure that it's a match... And there's still a missing bullet from the gym. We can't say that every single one was definitely a match for the gun."

What he's saying makes perfect sense, as much as I wish it didn't. "What are the odds of there being two shooters though?" I ask, still trying to find some reason why this can't be true.

"About the odds of being shot on the way to a maths class." Jay comments as he pushes the locker closed.

"I'll go call Voight." I sigh reluctantly, wondering why this can never just be simple. "This just keeps getting better."


	20. April 17th- 930am

April 17th- 9.30am

"Excuse me, Julia?" My words stop her in her tracks as she heads towards her car. Jay and I have been standing outside the precinct, biting our tongues as she's stood on the steps of the precinct accusing us of framing her son for a crime that he has obviously committed- she just loves him too much to be able to see it.

"Detectives." She greets us frostily, standing up taller and glaring at us as she folds her arms across her chest. "Is there something I can help you with?" She asks sarcastically.

I glance back over my shoulder, thankful that the media seem to have dispersed. "Yes, Julia. There is actually. You're coming with us."

Jay moves so he's standing on the other side, blocking her car door. She rolls her eyes and laughs, looking back at me. "Very funny." She sighs. "I'm not under arrest, so I won't be going anywhere with you. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go and visit my son in jail."

Jay sidesteps to the left as she goes to walk around him, blocking her path once again. "You may not be under arrest right now, but I can promise you if you don't start cooperating with us, that is something I'll be more than happy to rectify." He says.

She raises an eyebrow at him. "And what exactly do you plan to arrest me for?" She challenges him. "I'm just trying to go home detective, that wasn't illegal last time I checked."

"You're right, it's not." Jay answers her, and I'm amazed by just how calm he is. "But, as I'm sure you're aware, the obstruction of justice is- that's right isn't it, judge?"

She opens her mouth, then quickly closes it again, her face flushing bright red. "I don't know what you think you know, but clearly you've got it all wrong."

Jay smiles at her. "Well, in which case, why don't you follow detective Lindsay back in to the precinct. The. We can tell you what we know so far and you can explain to us just how wrong we've got it."

If looks could kill the one she shoots at Jay would have killed him there and then.

I'm waiting for her to argue with him again, but instead she sighs in resignation and starts walking back towards the precinct. The grin that Jay flashes me behind her back brings a smile to my face.

Round one definitely goes to us.

A few moments later we are sat in the exact same interview room where we spoke to her son what feels like a lifetime ago. She's still glaring at us and I know there's absolutely no hope of her being cooperative with us.

"Is this really necessary?" She sighs, gesturing to the room around her. "I'm hardly a criminal."

Jay raises his eyebrows. "As I said, I'll be more than happy to charge you with obstruction of justice if you don't start being a little more cooperative."

She smirks, holding out her wrists. "Go right ahead detective, I'm sure all those reporters would love to hear how you're trying to frame my son for this and then that you arrested me for trying to clear his name... No, I didn't think you would." She drops her hands back on to the table.

I put a hand on Jays shoulder, a warning for him to tread carefully. I can tell from the way he's sitting that he's furious, and I don't blame him, but we aren't going to get anywhere like this.

Taking a deep breath, I force myself to remain calm. "Why is it your so sure he didn't do this Julia?" I ask, deciding to try a change of tactics. "I was there- he was holding the gun Julia, he was holding the gun."

She shakes her head before I've even finished speaking. "Because he's my son!" She snaps back at me. "He didn't do this, but you can't see past the fact you found him holding the gun!"

I take another deep breath. Jay is deadly silent beside me which definitely isn't a good sign.

"Julia. We've watched the CCTV footage, we've spoken to the kids who made it out of there alive and everything says that it was Alex." Im starting to feel bad for her- her determination to prove that it wasn't her son probably has much more to do with the fact it's too hard to accept that her child could be capable of this, so instead she's chosen to believe he has to be innocent. That's the only way she can cope with what has happened. "I know that it's not what you want to hear-"

She cuts me off. "It's not that it's not what I want to hear. I keep trying to tell you that my son is not capable of doing something like this- at least not on his own. You have to be missing something!"

Jay and I exchange a quick glance as she slams her hand down on to the table angrily.

"Just consider it, please. That's all I'm asking." She says much more softly. "I just need to know for sure."

"We'll go back over the footage, but nothing's going to change Julia. You need to know that." I say softly.

She nods. "I know, but I just need to be sure."

Jay and I both nod, not knowing what else to say.

"Hank never touched Alex, did he?" I ask her quietly.

She shrugs. "I don't know, he was covered in bruises when I got there that day. Someone told me that the detectives had been to see him and I just assumed... He didn't say a single words to me the whole time I was there so I don't really know what happened."

"So why were you stood on the steps telling the world that Hank tried to beat a confession out of him?" I ask, failing to understand the logic.

"I just thought if I could put enough pressure you on you, then maybe you'd be willing to re think things- that maybe you'd give Alex a chance." She answers quietly.

"But it was Alex who made the call saying he wanted to see us?" Jay asks, neither of us really understanding the situation.

She nods. "Everything else was me, but I didn't do that."

"It needs to stop now Julia, understand?" I tell her, I understand that she wants to do what's best for her son but Hank could've ended up back in prison because of her.

"Understood, can I go now please?" She asks quietly.

"You can, just stay away from the reporters. Okay? We'll be in touch." Jay tells her.

She nods, standing up quickly. "Thank you." She says, pausing by the door. "And I'm sorry, I really am, but I have to do what's best for my child. I'll hope you'll understand that."

There's a brief silence after she leaves, before Jay speaks. "So where do we start?" He asks me.

"I honestly have no idea. We just need to go back over things so we can prove to her beyond all doubt that it was Alex- and even then I'm not sure if she's going to believe us."

"We'd better get started then." He says, standing up and heading or the door as I follow after him.


	21. April 19th- 215pm

_First of all id just like to apologise for how long it's taken me to update this. I don't really feel it's turned out as well as I'd hoped and as a result ive kind of lost my motivation but I'll do my best to keep going._

April 19th- 2.15pm

"This is ridiculous." Jay complains. "How could we have missed something as big as a second shooter? We couldn't have done! We watched that footage over and over again!"

I put my hand on his knee and give it a reassuring squeeze. "It's hard to see something if you don't know what you're looking for. We arrested Alex and the other kids all ID'd him as the shooter. There was literally nothing that might've made us think we needed to be looking at someone else too."

"Just play the tape then." He sighs, leaning back in the chair and folding his arms.

I glance at him for a few moments longer, but his face is unreadable. Slowly removing my hand from his knee I press the play button and the familiar scene on the computer screen comes to life.

About thirty seconds in to the footage Jay points his finger at the bottom left hand corner of the screen. "There! Quick, pause it!" He says, leaning forward in his seat.

I pause the tape like he asked me too, leaning forward and squinting at the grainy image on the computer screen to work out why he's staring at it so intently.

"Look." He says again, pointing at the figure who's just at the edge of the screen. "That boy there, is that not Alex's locker that he's closing?" He asks, turning to look at me.

I lean in even closer, trying to focus on the boys face. I'm fairly certain that Jay is right, I remember looking at the notice board that's just to the left of it when we searched the locker earlier today.

"Mouse!" I yell, glancing up.

"Yeah?" He calls back, poking his head out from around the corner.

"Can you blow this up for us?" I ask him as he comes closer. "We really need to be able to identify that kid."

He leans over and peers at the screen, nodding. "I'll give it ago, might take me a little while though. Even if I can i don't know if you'll be able to identify him- his hood is covering most of his face."

"I know." Jay sighs, leaning back in his chair again. "But it's all we've got to go on right now, so it's worth a shot."

"I'll get right on it." Mouse promises, heading back in the direction of his desk to work on it.

"So what do we do now?" I ask, turning to look at Jay once again.

"Voight and Olinsky have gone to talk to Alex. I thought maybe we'd head to the hospital and see if we can talk to the girl from the locker room?" He suggests.

"Are we sure it's a good idea to let those two go on their own? Half of the country thinks they tried to beat a confession out of the kid. If anyone gets hold of this then they'll think they went back to try again!"I sigh, thinking of just how wrong this could all go.

"They'll be fine erin." Jay reassures me, squeezing my arm. "Come on, let's go and see if we can find anything else out. I called will earlier and he said she's awake and should be able to talk to us."

"Okay." I agree, pulling myself up out of the chair and putting on my jacket.

"Bethany?" I ask softly as I push open the door to the hospital room.

A frightened young girl turns to look at me, peering out from behind the messy blonde hair that's strewn across the pillows.

"I'm detective Erin Lindsay." I tell her, closing the door so it won't slam and frighten her. "Is it okay if I sit?" I ask her, pointing to the chair that's pulled up beside her bed. I can only imagine how many sleepless nights her parents have had in that chair.

"My Mom said you wanted to talk to me." She says hesitantly.

I nod. "That's right. I know the last thing you want to do is think back about what happened that day, but if you can tell me anything, it might be really useful to us."

She looks down at her hands, picking at the plaster that's holding the IV in place in the back of her hand. "I really don't remember much." She mumbles.

"It's okay." I tell her reassuringly. "I know it's really hard, take your time."

She nods. "We were, um, me and my friends we were outside the gym, waiting for the boys to finish their basketball practice... I was really excited, I was supposed to be going on a date with Josh that weekend..." Her breath catches in her throat and she lets out a strangled sob. My hand finds its way over to hold hers without me even thinking about it. "And then there was this loud bang, everyone started screaming... We couldn't work out where it was coming from and then the boys pulled is in to the gym and told us to hide..." She pauses uncertainly.

"You're doing really well Bethany." I encourage her.

"It just kept getting louder and we knew they were getting closer... Josh and I ran in to the locker room while some of the others were under the bleachers. We thought we'd be safe in there... Then the door opened and he was there, with a gun in his hand smiling at us... He said it was our own fault, that we'd brought it on ourselves for treating people that way... I didn't really know what he was talking about."

I nod, encouraging her to keep going.

"Josh tried to talk to him... He seemed a bit unsure, he was pointing the gun at us but his hands were shaking and he kept looking over his shoulder as though he was waiting for someone... Then Ben came running in and they started yelling at each other. He just kept saying that it wasn't supposed to be like this, that no one was supposed to get hurt... Josh tried to grab the gun off Alex while they were arguing, but then Alex just turned and shot us both."

A pass her a tissue as the tears start streaming down her face. "You're doing so well Bethany. Do you know Ben's last name? Or did you see where he went?"

She shakes her head. "I'm sorry."

I give her hand another squeeze. "You've got nothing to apologise for."


	22. April 19th- 1030pm

_April 19__th__\- 10.30pm_

_"__Erin?" Jay calls as he walks in to the apartment, the door closing softly behind him._

_"__In here." I mumbled, wiping my cheeks with my sleeves to hide the evidence of my tears._

_"__Everything okay?" He asks, coming around the corner and looking at me curiously. "Voight said you took off pretty quickly."_

_I nod. "Everything is fine, I just wasn't feeling well."_

_His frown deepens at my terrible lie. "Erin?" He prompts, sitting down on the sofa behind me._

_"__I said I'm fine Jay." I snap back at him, immediately regretting it as a look of hurt crosses his face. "Sorry, I didn't mean to yell at you. It's just been one of those days y'know?"_

_He nods in agreement. We both know this feeling all too well. I haven't had many days that have made me question what it was exactly that made me want to become a cop, but this has certainly been one of them._

_"__Why didn't you call me? You know I would've come and picked you up. You didn't need to walk all the way back here on your own." He asks, putting his hand on my arm._

_I pull my knees up and hug them towards my chest, as though it's somehow going to help me hold myself together. "I thought the walk might help me clear my head." I mumble, my voice muffled against my legs._

_He frowns at me again, reaching up to push my hair back out of my face so he can look at me properly. "Do you want to talk about it?" He asks._

_I shake my head. "What I really want is a beer and a handful of sleeping pills but I get the feeling you aren't going to give me either of those." I answer sarcastically. I know Jay doesn't deserve the fact I'm taking this out on him, but I just can't stop myself no matter how hard I try._

_He doesn't even flinch at my sarcasm. "You've got that one right. So since the alcohol and drugs are off the table, how about you start talking?" He suggests._

_"__I said I'm fine Jay!" I snap, pushing his hand off my arm and walking in the direction of the bathroom quickly enough that he can't catch up with me. It's a feeling of relief when I close the door behind myself and get a few moments peace._

_It's short lived though as Jay starts knocking on the bathroom door. "Erin, come on. Let me in." He pleads._

_I sit on the toilet seat, head in my hands, and take a deep breath to calm myself down. I don't know what it was exactly about talking to Bethany at the hospital today, but it's really gotten to me. _

_"__Erin, open the door or I'm going to break it down." Jay threatens from the other side of the door._

_I stand up with a sigh and open the door. "Keep your hair on Halstead." I mutter as I unlock the door, my moment of peace coming to an abrupt end. The last thing I need is him taking the door off my bathroom, I'll never find the time to go and get a new one._

_"__What's going on Erin?" He asks, following me through to the bedroom and sitting down on the bed beside me._

_"__Nothing!" _

_I can practically feel him roll his eyes. "Something Bethany said to you at the hospital today is bothering you, it's written all over your face. Talk to me Erin!" He pleads again._

_I sigh, turning to look at him. "Has anyone ever told you that you're annoyingly persistent?" I ask._

_He cracks a smile. "It's why you love me."_

_It's my turn to roll my eyes this time. "If that's what you want to believe Halstead."_

_"__Come on then, start talking." He prompts._

_"__Seriously? Give me a second!"_

_He pretends to look at his watch. "Your second is up. Go."_

_I stick my tongue out at him, my earlier mood lifting already. "I don't know Jay, it was just sitting there, listening to here talking about what happened that day. She'll never be able to forget it. It's not just that one day of her life that's been taken away from her by their actions, it's the years of nightmares and flash backs. Think about what she'll be like when she has to send her own kids to school. It's supposed to be a safe place, but she'll always have that image in the back of her head of her high school sweetheart lying on the floor of the locker room in a pool of his own blood…. I'll always have that image too." _

_I'm talking so quickly by the end I'm amazed he actually manages to catch any of what I'm saying. He's quiet for a few moments, processing what I've just said, before he reaches over and pulls me in to his arms- holding me so tightly I can hardly breathe._

_"__If there was anything that any of us could do to go back and change the events of that day, we'd all do it in a heartbeat. But we can't, so we just have to do what we can, and get justice for those kids and their parents." He whispers softly._

_My tears are in full flow again now as I sob in to his chest. "They're talking about making alternative arrangements for the kids to go back to school… How can anyone even possibly be thinking about that? How can the kids go back after this? Their parents are going to watch them get on the bus and wonder if they're ever going to see them again. How am I ever going to let our kids go to school knowing that something like this could happen?"_

_He kisses the top of my head softly. "Let's cross that bridge when we come to it shall we?" He says, apparently entirely unfazed by my sudden mention of our children. _

_I nod, taking a deep breath to try and calm myself down again. He's right; I'm sitting here freaking out about a hypothetical situation. The events of the last few days are really starting to take their toll on me._

_"__Thank you." I mumble. "For being here."_

_"__You know you couldn't keep me away if you tried." He replies. "Now I think we should get some sleep. We've got a big day tomorrow."_

_I nod, shuffling down under the covers. I'm exhausted, I've been fighting to keep my eyes open all evening- I'm too afraid of the images I'll see if I close them. "Don't leave me." I whisper, barely loud enough for him to hear, in to the darkness as he turns out the light._

_"__I'm not going anywhere, I promise." He replies, settling down beside me._


	23. April 20th-815am

April 20th- 8.15am

"Hey Alvin." I say as I reach the top of the stairs. I have to struggle to suppress as yawn after yet another sleepless night.

Alvin forces a smile and nods at me, barely looking up from his computer screen. He looks as though he hasn't slept for a week- and the truth is he probably hasn't. I don't think any of us have. I pause, walking over to his desk rather than heading straight for my own to lose myself in this case once again.

"How are you holding up Al?" I ask, leaning against the edge of his desk. "And you can cut the crap." I know how difficult this has been for me, so I can't imagine what thus has been like for Alvin and Antonio who have to watch their children leave for school each morning and worry about their safety.

"I'm standing there every morning, watching Lexie walk down the street to go to school and I'm wondering if that's going to be the last time I ever see my daughter." He admits quietly, leaning back in his chair.

I squeeze his shoulder gently, not knowing what to say to him. In the years I've known him I've very rarely seen Al express any kind of emotion, so I can tell this is really getting to him.

"I wouldn't wish what happened on my worst enemy but...Every day, there's a part of me that is just so thankful that it's not my child lying in the morgue... Does that make me a bad person?" He asks.

I shake my head. "You're only human Al, Lexie's your daughter. Of course you're going to be relieved she's okay. Anyone would understand that, even the parents who lost their children."

He nods slowly, thinking over what I've just said. We both turn to look as we hear footsteps approaching the top of the stairs.

"Sorry to interrupt." Platt says, coming to a stop. "Laura Mills is down stairs asking for you."

I glance back at Al. "Go.. You can use Voight's office if you like. He said he'd be gone a while."

I smile at him as I stand up straight. "Thanks Alvin."

My stomach is tying itself in knots as I walk down the stairs to find Laura. I haven't heard from her since the day she phoned me about the news reports. I've tried to call her a couple of times but she hadn't returned any of my messages.

She's waiting at the bottom of the stairs, shifting nervously from foot to foot. Her hair is scraped back from her face, her skin so pale it's almost translucent and her clothes hang off her in a way that suggests she's not eating.

"Come on up Laura." I say gently. "We can talk in the office."

She nods, chewing on her lip before following me up the stairs silently. Alvin smiles at her sympathetically as we walk past him on the way in to Voight's office.

She sits down beside me and I look at her, waiting for her to start has to be a reason that she's turned up here today, totally out of the blue.

"I'm sorry, just turning up here like this." She mumbles. "I know you must be busy."

"It's okay." I tell her, watching her closely. "I've been trying to call you to see how you're holding up."

She looks up at me. "People keep asking me how I'm feeling... How I'm holding up... I just... I have no answer to that question. There's a few seconds each day, just after I wake up, where I forget... Just for a second... And then I remember, and it's like getting that news over and over again... And you don't get to stop waking up, do you? I'm going to spend the rest of my life going through this every day." She sobs, her breath catching in her throat.

The look of defeat on her face breaks my heart. The knowledge that there's nothing I can do to help her is devastating. "I know that there's nothing I can do to change any of this, but if you ever need anything- even just someone to talk to- you know I'm here."

"I'm terrified that I'm going to forget her." She whispers. "I can't remember what her laugh sounded like any more, or the way she used to talk in her sleep when she was younger. I sit in her bedroom some times at night, and it doesn't smell like her anymore... I had it all planned out. I'd watch her graduate, be there at her wedding day... Watch her grow up and get to live her dreams... And now she's gone and I'll never get to do any of that."

"I don't know what to say Laura, I can only imagine how difficult this is." I squeeze her hand in an attempt to offer some kind of comfort, even though nothing I can ever do will ever begin to fill the void that's been left in her life.

She wipes the tears from her eyes, taking a deep shay breath. "I'm so sorry for dumping all this on you. I just didn't know who else to talk to."

"Have you tried talking to your husband? I know he left, but maybe if you two talked?" I ask, although I've got a sinking feeling that I already know the reason why she hasn't.

She shakes her head. "I got the divorce papers though the mail yesterday. I've tried calling him, but him mother won't out him on the phone. She blames me too. I can hear it in her voice, the disgust, every time she answers the phone. They both think they'd still have Lizzie here if it weren't for me... And they're right."

"Don't do this to yourself Laura, please." I plead with her. "We both know you had no way of stopping this."

She shakes her head and stands up. "You might be able to say that, but you don't have to live with the fact your own child's blood is on your hands." She says, walking towards the door.

"Laura, come on." I plead, not wanting her to leave like this.

"I shouldn't have come here, I'm sorry.' She says, disappearing out of the door.

I flop back down in Voight's chair, knowing it's pointless to chase after her. Nothing I can say or do is going to make any difference to her. Usually, going to court and watching the people responsible be sentenced would give me some kind of closure on a case... But this time, even once justice has been served I know I'm still going to be haunted by the images of that day.

I lean my head back against the chair and squeeze my eyes shut, as though it's somehow going to help stop the thoughts that are racing around in my head.

I don't know how long I've been sat like that when Voight's voice snaps me back in to the real world. "Erin? Is everything okay? We just passed Laura Mills on the stairs."

I nod, running my hand through my hair. "She was a bit upset, I tried to talk to her... But what do you say to someone in her situation?"

Voight squeezes my arm. "It's every parents worst nightmare." He agrees. "I used to call Camille every afternoon to make sure you and Justin had got home safe."

His words surprise me. "I never realised."

He shrugs. "You never needed to know, it just made me feel better to know. In this job... Seeing the things we do every day... You kind of lose faith in the world."

I nod in agreement. "I know that feeling." I admit. "Anyway, I'd better get back to work. The least I can do is help them get justice for their children, even if it won't bring them back."

Voight nods, standing up to let me past. "Erin." He says, causing me to pause by the door. "I'm here if you need me."

I nod. "I know, thanks Hank."


	24. April 20th - 11am

April 20th- 11am

My conversation with Laura has been playing on my mind all morning. No one expected her to take what has happened well, she'd lost her daughter after all, but there's something about that slightly vacant look in her eye that really worries me. I make a mental note to check with her again later.

"Please tell me you're bringing good news Mouse, I don't want to hear if it not." I sigh, leaning back in my chair.

Mouse looks and me and then at Jay, before flashing us a quick grin. "Then you're in luck. I've got an address for you, Benjamin Leeder, he lives three blocks over from the O'Malley kid. They've been chatting to each other on line for months, I haven't managed to get in to the messages yet but I'm working on it." He says, handing me the post it note with the address scrawled on it.

"All of the staff said that Alex didn't have any friends, I don't get it." I mutter, shaking my head. "How did no one notice this?"

"They might not have been friends in the sense you're thinking." Jay suggests. "Just because they're friends online doesn't mean they had anything to do with each other at school. The teachers probably had no idea."

"It just doesn't make any sense!" I snap, smacking my fist down on my desk in frustration.

"Are we talking about this Ben person and his link to Alex, or this whole thing in general?" Jay asks. "If I'm being honest I'm struggling to keep up with you at the moment!"

I roll my eyes at him, the smallest hint of a smile playing on the corner of my lips. "Let's just go, before you dig yourself an even deeper hole. You can call Voight on the way over there and he can meet us there."

"Yes ma'am." He laughs, with a mock salute, following me down the stairs and out towards the car.

"Police!" I shout, banging my fist noisily against the dark green front door. "Open the door!" I glance back over my shoulder at Jay and Voight before turning to bang on the door again.

I can hear Ruzek doing the same at the back door. "Are we sure this is the right house?" I ask Jay. It's just so ordinary, it doesn't look like the of place someone who would go on to murder their class mates in cold blood could've grown up.

But then again, neither did Alex O'Malley's house.

"I'm sure. Move out of the way. If they aren't going to let us in then we'll have to break their door instead." Jay shrugs, taking a couple of steps back.

"Jay maybe you should wait for someone to come..." I trail off as he goes to push through the door. There's a sickening crunch, and I'm left trying to work out if it's coming from his shoulder or the door, but eventually the door swings open.

I shake my head, turning to look at Jay. Instead of the smug expression I expected to see, the pained look on his face suggests that the crunch I just heard was definitely his shoulder.

"Has anyone ever told you that you're not superman?" I ask him, trying to keep the smirk off my face.

"Hilarious Erin, absolutely hilarious." He mutters, rubbing gently at his shoulder.

"You okay Halstead?" Voight mutters as we all step further inside the house.

Jay nods. "I'll live."

We split up, about to start searching the house for any clues to link Ben to what happened at the school that day, when a photo hanging on the wall catches my eye. "Shit." I mumble, stopping so abruptly that Jay walks straight in to the back of me and and let's out a hiss of pain.

"What is it?" He asks, following my gaze.

I point my finger and the photo. "That kid, he was there the day of the shooting. I interviewed him afterwards!"

"Are you sure it's him?" Voight asks, suddenly appearing behind Jay.

I nod. "I'm one hundred percent certain. I can remember him telling me that Alex was a bit of a loner, that he didn't have any friends. He was right there in front of me and I just let him walk away!"

"You couldn't have know." Jay and Voight both say in unison.

"We need to find that kid. Well finish searching the house, erin why don't you go and take Halstead to get that shoulder looked at. We'll meet you back at the precinct when we have the kid okay?" Voight says.

I shake my head. "I need to stay here and help." I protest.

Voight shakes his head. "You need to go and drive your idiotic partner- no offence Halstead- down to the ER to see what damage he's done to his shoulder by pretending to be a superhero and trying to bust through that door."

"Thanks." Jay mutters under his breath. "Come on, we'll be an hour tops. I've got connections at the hospital, remember?"

I can't resist rolling my eyes. "If your brother finds out what an idiot you've been we'll be there a lot longer than an hour. Just think of all the jokes he can make!"

"Well, we'd better get going then." Jay sighs. "And for the record, that door was a lot more solid than it looked!"

"If that's your story Halstead." I laugh, opening the door for him. "Don't start thinking that I'm going to be your nurse. You brought this upon yourself!"

He looks at me, pretending to be offended but I can see the mischievous glint in his eye. "Remind me again... What are the perks of dating you?" He teases.

I stick my tongue out at him. "Do you want me to break your other shoulder? Shut up and get in the car Halstead! Before I change my mind and make you walk to the hospital."

He just laughs, climbing in to the passenger seat beside me. "Thanks for the sympathy. I'll remember that next time you want me to be your nurse!"

"The difference is Jay, I wouldn't be stupid enough to smash my shoulder in to a solid wooden door! I can only imagine the fun your brother is going to have with this!"

"Ugh." Jay groans, and I'm not sure if it's from the pain or from thinking about his brother. "Can't you drive me to another hospital?"

"I'm not driving you to the other side of town... If you want to be stupid and injure yourself then you can suffer the consequences!" I laugh quietly, and he sighs in defeat.


	25. September 15th-915am

September 15th- 9.15am

"Are you ready to go?" Jay asks me, and I nod reluctantly and place my half drunk mug of coffee in to the kitchen sink.

I've been awake for hours, fretting over what's to come today. I've been dreading the trial of this case. It's never good, having to sit in court and re live the events, but I know that this case in particular is going to be incredibly difficult.

"Let's get this over and done with." I sigh, trying to muster some kind of enthusiasm. I reach out to straighten Jay's tie and he catches my fingers, holding them in place for a few seconds. He's looking at me, silently questioning how I'm coping with this.

I squeeze his hand gently and he releases my fingers. "Come on, let's go." I say, and he follows me towards the door of the apartment.

The steps of the court house are packed with the reporters that seem to have been right behind us every step of the way with this case, constantly watching us. I take Jay's hand as we walk towards the steps and the cameras swivel towards us yet again. A few reporters thrust microphones towards us, shouting questions about the way we've handled the case and the accusations made by Julia O'Malley.

Jay keeps a tight grip on my hand, guiding me quickly through them and towards the doors of the courthouse. I bite my lip to stop myself saying something I shouldn't and making the situation worse. I wonder briefly if there's another way for Laura and the other parents to get in to the building. They shouldn't have to go through the endless stream of questions.

This day is going to be hard enough for them without making it any harder than it has to be.

"Come on." Jay says gently, pulling me through the door. "We should go and find the others. It'll be starting soon."

I nod, and begin removing the little bit of jewellery that I'm wearing in order to pass through the metal detectors. The security guard nods at me as I walk through and pick my bag up, pausing to wait for Jay. He takes my hand again as we walk through the eerie silence of the courthouse to find the right room.

The tight grip he has on my hand confirms that although he hasn't actually said anything to me, today is taking its toll on him just as it has with me.

"This is it." He says, coming to a stop outside the doors to the court room.

He reaches for the doors to open them but I pull him back, and he turns to look at me in surprise. "Is everything okay?" He asks quickly.

I nod, biting my lip. It's not really, this whole situation is about as far from 'okay' as it can get, but I'm as okay as I'm ever going to be.

"I just need a second." I say softly, and he nods, folding his arms around me tightly and holding me as though he's somehow read my mind.

"You can do this." He whispers in my ear. "We've come this far, we've done the hard bit. We just need to get this over with now so that the families can get some kind of sense of justice. We owe them that."

"I know." I whisper in reply. "But I just wish that those kids' families didn't have to see this." Her stomach churned slightly at the thought of the photographs that the prosecution had as evidence against Alex O'Malley. They were images that no parent needed to see, and yet those poor parents were going to have to sit through weeks of this trial, listening to every single detail of how their children were murdered in cold blood.

"Come on." He says, releasing me and taking my hand again as he pulls me in to the courtroom.

It's packed full of people, just as we'd all expected. We head for the front row where Voight and the rest of our unit are sitting and slid on to the end of the bench beside them. Voight reaches over and squeezes my arm gently, nodding at Jay as a greeting.

As I glance around the room I notice a few familiar faces- Bethany's parents, and beside them Laura. Opposite them, sitting on her own is Julia O'Malley. She catches my eye and nods in acknowledgement. I briefly wonder what's going through her mind. All these people are here for one reason only- they want to see her son pay for his actions, to make sure that he's punished as harshly as possible for what he's done. It can't be an easy thing for her to have to sit and watch. After all, no parent ever expects to have to attend their child's murder trial rather than a high school graduation.

The courtroom had been virtually silent to begin with, but as the final people took their seats and the judge arrived it somehow seems to get even quieter. I grip Jay's hand a little tighter as the prosecutor, Sophie, rises from her seat and approaches the jury.

Behind her, a photograph of the school flashes up on the projector, and it sends a shiver down my spine. I'll never be able to erase the images of what happened inside that building from my mind.

"This is what the high school looked like at 12.44pm on the 11th of April 2015." She tells the jury, gesturing to the image behind her. "It was a typical school day, nothing out of the ordinary for any of the staff or students. Elizabeth Mills sat in the school canteen with her boyfriend Adam Pierce, eating their lunch. Bethany Adams was outside the gym, talking to her friends about her first date with Josh- who was at basketball practice- the date that she'll never get to go on." Sophie pauses to look around for a moment, before pressing a button on the remote control she's holding and changing the photograph on the screen.

"This was the scene inside the hallways of the school at 1.13pm when Chicago Police arrived on the scene. The blood you can see on the walls and floors is the blood of Alex O'Malley's class mates. The classmates that he shot in cold blood that day." She pauses again, allowing people a few moments to take in the photograph.

I deliberately don't look. I don't need to see a photograph to remember the way the blood was splattered up the walls and across the front of lockers, or the way that books and bags lay strewn across the floor where children had dropped them in their panic as they'd tried to flee for their lives.

She presses the remote again and the picture changes, this time showing the pool of blood on the floor of the locker room, markers on the floor showing where we'd found Bethany and Josh.

"I said earlier, that it was a normal day for everyone at the school- that no one could've seen this coming, but there were two people in the school that day who knew exactly what was going to happen." Sophie says, turning back to the jury. "Alex O'Malley and Benjamin Leeder knew exactly what was going to happen that day. Alex O'Malley knew because that morning he'd packed guns in to his school bag along with his books, going in to school that morning with the intention of causing harm to his fellow students. Benjamin Leeder, although he did not actually pull the trigger, had helped his friend with the planning of this horrifying attack and knew what Alex planned to do when he went in to the school that day."

She pauses again, looking around at everyone in the court room before turning back to the jury once more. "Alex O'Malley's rampage through the high school lasted exactly twenty three minutes before he was detained by the police. But in those twenty three minutes he destroyed the lives of fifteen innocent children, and it's difficult to tell how many others have been affected by his actions that day, and I have no doubts that the effects of those twenty three minutes will last a lifetime for everyone involved."

She clears her throat, taking a couple of steps backwards and turning to face us all again.

"In twenty three minutes you can mow the lawn or you can colour you hair. In twenty three minutes you can have a tooth filled by the dentist or you can order a pizza and have it delivered. In twenty three minutes you can read a story to a child. Or, as Alex O'Malley knows- you can end the lives of fifteen innocent children." She says, her words hanging in the air as she walks silently back to her seat.


	26. September 16th- 1120am

_Sorry for the lack of updates and the fact that the ones I am managing to write have been short. I've been doing riot training this week and I'm exahusted! I've only got two more weeks to go before I'm out on duty for real which is exciting but also terrifying. I'm going to attempt to get this finished before then otherwise I'll probably never get around to it. Enjoy this chapter and please do let me know what you think!_

September 16th- 11.20am

I fidget nervously as I make my way on to the witness stand, pulling at the hem of my blouse to straighten it. I've been dreading this moment, having to stand up here and recount every horrific detail of what I witnessed inside that school in front of the families and friends of the children that I didn't manage to save.

I lock eyes with Jay for a brief second as I take my position and look out at the court room in front of me. I've been in this position more times than I care to remember but something about this feels different, I just can't put my finger on it.

"Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth so help you God?" I'm asked.

"I do." The reply is automatic, despite the fact I'm more nervous now than the first time I had to testify in court.

Sophie rises from her seat and approaches the witness stand, smiling at me reassuringly as she does so. I can do this, it's like we've practiced. But it's not really the questions that Sophie's about to ask me that worry me, it's what the defence might ask in order to get me to say something that in some way makes Alex O'Malley sound a little bit less guilty.

"Detective Lindsay." She starts, looking from me over to the jury. "Could you please tell us what you were doing on the day of the incident?"

A flush spreads across my skin as I remember that day, arguing about getting out of bed with Jay… The way we'd been messing around while we should've been working because everyone else had been out. Clueless. We'd been absolutely clueless to the devastation that was about to occur. I meet Jay's eyes again and I know he's thinking the exact same thing.

I clear my throat and look back at Sophie. "I was at the district with my partner, Detective Halstead. We were in between cases so we were catching up on paperwork and the rest of the unit were out tidying up loose ends and visiting their CI's."

Sophie nods. "And what was the first you heard of what had happened at the school that day?"

"I had my radio sat on my desk while I was working and I heard it come over the air that gun shots had been reported at the high school." I tell her, trying to suppress a shudder. I can still remember all too clearly the way my blood ran cold as I heard those words.

"And can you please explain what happened next? You and Detective Halstead were amongst the first people to arrive on the scene, correct?" She asks me.

I nod. "Yes, Detective Halstead and I were the first to arrive; a uniformed patrol arrived shortly after us. We ran out of the district as soon as we heard the call on the radio. We still weren't sure what exactly was happening at that point, so our first priority was to get to the school and make sure that the children were safe."

"So when you arrived on the scene at the school, what did you do?" She asks.

"We entered through the front doors, the other unit went around the back. The glass was shattered from a bullet that had ricocheted and there were books and bags lying all over the floor where people had dropped them as they'd tried to run away. As we moved further inside we spotted a body on the floor, we checked for a pulse but we didn't find one so we moved on." I pause as there's a muffled sob from the gallery.

"The body you found on the floor in the hallway was that of Amelia Peters. Correct?" Sophie asks.

"Correct." I confirm, my eyes wandering up to the gallery where I can see her Mom is struggling to hold herself together.

Sophie nods. "Could you please tell us what happened next?"

I take a deep breath. "The rest of the intelligence unit had arrived by that point. Detective Halstead and I carried on down the left branch of the corridor towards the gym. Sergeant Voight and Detective Olinsky went down the right hand corridor. When we came around the corner we found a young girl lying on the floor, Rachel Parker, we thought she was dead to begin with but she started crying out for help as we were checking for a pulse. We tried our best to put pressure on the wound to stop the bleeding but she didn't make it." I force myself to keep looking at Sophie because I know if I look up at her family I'm not going to be able to hold it together much longer.

"We kept moving down the hallway, when we checked the classrooms that came of them there were children hiding in the cupboards and under the desks. We told them to stay where they were and someone would come and get them. We kept moving forward towards the gym and then we heard another gunshot, so we ran towards the gym. When we went inside there was another body face down by the bleachers. The glass from the door of the changing room was shattered. When we got in to the changing room Alex O'Malley was standing there with the gun raised to his own head and Bethany and Josh were lying on the floor at his feet. My partner instructed him to put the gun down, which he eventually did and we arrested him." I glance over at the Jury as I finish.

"Thank you Detective Lindsay." Sophie says with a small smile before going back to her seat.

Alex's defence lawyer stands up, buttoning his suit jacket which probably cost more than I get paid in a year and approaches the witness stand. I can feel my heart speeding up in anticipation of what's about to happen. I know he's about to try to tear my testimony to shreds in an attempt to clear Alex's name, and there's nothing I can do to stop him.

"Detective Lindsay, would you like to tell the Jury about your relationship with Sergeant Voight? After all, it's the reason you ended up working in intelligence." He says, raising an eyebrow at me.

"Objection!" Sophie says quickly.

"I'm simply trying to prove to the Jury that Detective Lindsay would do anything to protect Sergeant Voight, even if that means lying under oath." He argues.

"I'll allow it." The judge says slowly. "But get to the point Mr Baines." He says sternly.

"Detective Lindsay?" The lawyer prompts.

"I.. um.." I mumble, trying to work out what to say. This is exactly what the lawyer wanted, I know that. To create that tiny little bit of doubt in the minds of the jurors that we might not be 100% honest. "He took me in when I was fourteen. My Mom was a drug addict and my father was in and out of jail. He's the reason I became a cop."

"So it's fair to say that he's been the primary father figure in your life?" He questions.

"You could say that." I answer reluctantly. I've got a feeling I know where this is going.

"As I'm sure you're aware, there have been many questions about Sergeant Voight's conduct in the time he's been in the Chicago Police Department, culminating in him being sent to prison only a few years ago." He says turning to the jury. "Alex's mother Julia, believes that her son may have been subjected to force in order to get a confession from him."

"Is there a question in there somewhere?" I ask.

"You arguably know Voight better than anyone else, do you think that there might be any truth to these allegations. I'd like to remind you that you swore an oath to tell the truth before you took the witness stand today." He says, raising an eyebrow.

I catch Voight's eye, and I can see he's wondering the same as me how exactly he ended up being the one on trial here.


	27. April 20th-210pm

_Sorry, ive been awful at updating this! I'll try harder in the future although there shouldn't be too many more updates left to go!_

April 20th- 2.10pm

"Would you just quite complaining already? I told you not to try and smash your way through a door with your shoulder! And I mean what did you expect from will? It's not very often he gets an opportunity as good as this to take the pee out of you." I can't help but laugh. As anticipated Will didn't go easy on Jay just because he was in pain, and I don't blame him. I'm fully intending to remind him of it at every possibly opportunity.

"So what's the verdict?" Antonio calls as we both reach the top of the stairs.

"It's nothing." Jay sighs, with the smallest shrug which causes him to wince.

"Fractured collar bone." I chip in. "And one severely wounded ego."

Jay rolls his eyes at me. "Thanks Erin."

"Anytime." I smile sarcastically. "How's Benjamin? Has anyone spoken to him yet?" I ask, my mind turning back to the task ahead.

Antonio shakes his head. "Voight thought it might be best if you gave it a go since you've already spoken to him once. He's down in the interrogation room now."

I nod in agreement. "Thanks, I'll go down there now and see what he's got to say. Can I leave you to take care of the invalid?"

"I heard that!" Jay protests as I start to walk away and Antonio laughs quietly.

"That was the point! Try not to break the other shoulder while I'm gone." I call back. He calls something in response that I don't quite catch but I'm sure I can guess what he said.

I pause to take a deep breath before I enter the interrogation room to speak to Ben. All of the fun and laughter from earlier has disappeared, leaving me once again trying to wrap my head around how awful what's happened is and wondering if there can possibly be any kind of explanation as to how and why this has happened.

"Ben, I'm Detective Lindsay. We spoke at the school on the day of the shooting." I say softly as I walk in to the room and take my seat.

He's similar in appearance to Alex, so similar that I could've believed they were related. He sits in the chair, fidgeting nervously as he watches me.

"I'm sure you're aware of why you're here Ben, we've watched the CCTV tapes back and we've spoken to some of the people that were in the school today. Do you want to explain to me what happened?" I ask him.

His bottom lip trembles slightly and I can see his eyes filling with tears.

"It's okay. Take your time." I add.

He fidgets again, drumming his fingers on the edge of the table as he tries to work out what to say. I can almost see his brain working as he tries to form a sentence.

"It wasn't supposed to be like that." He whispers eventually, his voice hoarse.

"Can you explain to me what you mean by that?" I prompt after a few seconds when he hasn't elaborated any further.

"I bet you had it great when you were at school, I mean look at you, you're the total opposite of me. I've spent years and years of being pushed and shoved as I walked down the hall, called every name you could possibly imagine and had my clothes stolen while I was in the shower more times than I can remember." He pauses and looks up at me. "I just wanted them to feel a little bit of the fear that I've felt every single day, to experience some of what I have. If I'd known what Alex was going to do i would never have..."

I nod slowly, taking a few seconds to process what's just been said. "You were planning to go to school with a loaded gun. What did you think was going to happen Ben?"

"I don't know... I wasn't thinking. Alex just kept going on about how great it would be to teach them a lesson." He says quietly.

I bite my tongue to keep myself from snapping at him about all the innocent children that are now dead because of what him and Alex did. "Can you explain to me what happened that day? We've got a witness who said she saw you arguing with Alex after the first shots were fired."

He nods, pulling at the sleeve of his shirt nervously, looking anywhere but at me. "I was supposed to go to Alex's locker and pick up the gun he got for me. Then I was going to meet him at the front of the school and we were going to go in, one of us going in each direction. I got to school and when I went to get the gun, I don't know what happened, it all just seemed way to real of a sudden. I can't explain it, like when we'd been talking about it, it didn't seem like it was something that was actually going to happen in real life. Then I was standing in the hallway holding a gun and wondering how I'd ended up there."

"Where did he get the second gun?" I ask when he pauses for breath.

"Another one of his neighbours I think, I don't know. I didn't really ask." He replies, chewing his lip nervously.

I nod. "And where is it now?"

"I buried it in our back yard. I panicked. I was going to call the police and tell them what Alex was going to do, but I thought I'd be in so much trouble and now... All those people are dead because of me." His voice cracks at the end and I can't help but feel some sympathy for him.

"You're by no means going to get away with this completely, but there's options we can look at. If you're prepared to testify against Alex then there's the potential for some kind of deal or..." I say slowly.

"Can you call my Mom?" He interrupts. "She'll be home from work soon and she'll be wondering where I am."

I nod in agreement. "I'll go call her. You just sit tight, someone will come back and explain what happens next soon, okay?"

He nods as I stand up and walk out of the room, pulling the door shut behind me with a sigh of relief.

"How was it?" Jays voice startles me and I rest my head back against the door.

"It was... Well, I don't know what to say. How does something like this happen?" I still can't even begin to wrap my head around it.

He comes to stand beside me, putting his good arm around me and resting his chin on the top of my head.

"Now I've got to go call his Mom and tell her that her son is going to jail." I sigh after a few moments silence, reluctantly pulling myself away from him and slowly walking back in the direction of the desk to make the dreaded phone call.


	28. September 23rd- 930am

_Sorry for the huge delay in posting this... If i'm honest I'd forgotten all about it. I've been meaning to write a chapter to round everything up for a while so hopefully this won't disappoint!_

_September 23rd- 9.30am_

The jury's verdict came as a surprise to no one, except maybe Julia O'Malley. Somehow, even after days of sitting in that courtrooms and listening to the witness testimony of the children and teachers who had been inside the school that day, and seeing the photo's of the carnage her son had caused, she'd managed to remain convinced that this wasn't her sons fault.

We'd all known Alex O'Malley was going to rot in jail for his actions that day, there as no way any jury could not find him not guilty, not with the masses of evidence that was stacked up against him. But still, the whole intelligence unit sat in the front row of the courtroom day in and day out, out knuckles white as our hands clenched the seats, praying that something we'd done wouldn't be the thing that caused the whole case to unravel and allowed Alex O'Malley to walk free.

None of us had done anything wrong of course, every law and procedure had been followed to the absolute letter during this case, something that was new for Voight and Olinsky. We'd dotted every I and crossed every T… Determined to get justice for the families of those children.

And that we did.

There was an audible intake of breath in the court room as the lead juror prepared to give their verdict. My hand tightened even more around Jay's hand, probably cutting of his circulation, but I don't think I could've loosened my grip at that moment even if I'd wanted to.

As the word guilty rang out across the room the sigh of relief was collective. As I glanced around me I could see the faces of those parents who'd lost their children, Laura Mill's mingled among them. As I caught her eye she forced a kind of half smile, brushing the tears from her cheeks, before turning to the older woman next to her.

Laura had in no way escaped unscathed from this whole ordeal. The poor woman had been ripped to shreds when it was her time to take to the stand. Alex's later had ripped her to shreds for having left her gun on the table while she'd gone out to get the mail. She'd been left in tears on the stand, stumbling over her words as she tried desperately to find some kind of way to explain her actions. But there was no explanation, we all knew that. Not a single one of the cops in the room could say they'd never done it. The amount of times I'd walked in from a shift, and exhausted and hungry just taken all my stuff off and left it on the side somewhere, only to come back several hours later and lock it away properly.

The only difference between me and Laura was luck.

I was just lucky that no one had come in to my home and stolen my gun as it laid on the kitchen counter. it could've been me, Jay, Voight or anyone of us on the stand in her place. it could've been any of us with our career hanging in the balance over a stupid mistake we'd made. Vought and I had both said our piece to internal affairs in an attempt to spare Laura the pain of losing her job as well as her child and her husband, but we'd not heard anything back. I was keeping my fingers crossed constantly, hoping that something might go her way.

The one noise that cut through the quiet celebrations in the gallery was the muffled sob that escaped the lips of Julia O'Malley. As I looked up to my left I could see her hunched over in her seat, her head buried in her hands. The only way to tell that it was her crying was the fact I could see her shoulders shaking with the force of the sobs that she was trying to hold back.

I couldn't help but feel sorry for her too as her son was led away to begin his life long prison sentence. Even after everything she'd done to try and discredit my unit and our investigation, even though at times I'd felt as though I was personally on trial thanks to the lawyer she'd hired. Still, you could argue that she'd lost just as much as some of the other parents in that court room.

Her son may still have been alive, but she was left in some kind of purgatory. As far as the rest of her life was concerned her son was as good as gone. As she'd said to me she'd never get to see him graduate from college, or walk down the isle or hold her grandchildren. Instead she'd be left with the silent house, the room where he used to be and nothing but memories and photos of her child, and the chance to sit opposite him at a prison visiting table every now and then.

Benjamin Leeder had also been given a prison sentence, although a much shorter one than Alex O'Malley,for his hand in planning the events that had unfolded inside that school. His parents sobbing as he'd been led away was heart wrenching. She'd done exactly the same thing when I'd arrived on their doorstep with Jay to tell her that her son was sat in our interrogation room having just confessed to planning the shooting with Alex O'Malley and not stopping him when he had the chance.

The way she'd sobbed as she'd collapsed to the floor, hugging a photo of her son, was still haunting me in my sleep. Although she'd have her son back in a few years time, he'd never be the same innocent and carefree boy again. She'd told me through her tears that he'd got plans to go to medical school after he left school. She'd be left grasping at straws, trying to understand how her son had got himself mixed up in this, just as everyone else had.

As we all filed out of the court room and down the stairs that led out on to the street the flash of the camera's was blinding. The journalists who'd been half a step behind us this entire case had been on the steps outside the court every single day for the entire duration of the trial. the whole of America had been following the case on the news, holding their breath and praying that Alex O'Malley would be locked away for what he'd done.

As Voight pushed open the door and stepped out of the court camera's and microphones were thrust in front of him. Thankfully this time the questions were about Alex's sentence rather than questions about mine and Voight's history and allegations of misconduct.

I spotted Laura Mills out of the corner of my eye, scurrying through the crowd, her hands held up over her face to try to protect herself from the flashes of the cameras and the questions being hurled at her about her future and what she could've done to prevent this from happening in the first place.

Jay's hand closes firmly around mine as he pulls me forward, forcing our way through the crowd. As we slide in to the back seat of Voight's car all three of us let out a sigh of relief.

"Well.. that was.." Jay mumbles, resting his head back against the seat.

He looks tired, the last few months seem to have aged him by at least five years and I'm pretty sure it's done the same thing to me too. We've been living and breathing this for months now and it's definitely taken its toll on all of us.

"What's done is done." Voight says simply. "Tomorrow's another day and there will be another case. We got the result we wanted, even though it might not feel like a success putting two kids behind bars. We've all just gotta move on and carry on with our jobs."

Jay and I both nod silently in agreement. It's going to be weird thats for sure, to try and put this to one side and move on with our lives. The things we've seen and heard during this case are going to stay with me for the rest of my life, there's no doubt about that. But as Voight said, tomorrow's another day and the chances are that there's going to be another terrible event that's going to end up on my desk in a case file.

Even though the events of those twenty three minutes are all we've lived and breathed for months on end, life still carries on out side of it. The school will re open on monday, the children will fill those hallways and classrooms once more and things will go back to normal. I'll sit at my desk opposite Jay and carry on with my job, just as we did on the day of the shooting.

Even though our lives will carry on tomorrow, there's no doubt that those twenty three minutes have hanged all of our lives forever.


	29. April 11th- 1200

April 11th- 12.00 (five years after)

"Are you nearly ready Erin, we'll be late if we don't leave soon!" Jay yells.

"I'm now coming, give me two seconds!" I yell back, smoothing my dress uniform down over my the small bump that's beginning to form- It had been more of a struggle to fit in to it than I'd imagined.

"He's going to be here before we know it." Jay comments from the doorway, walking up behind me and placing his hand on my stomach.

"He? I'm telling you Jay it's a girl." I laugh.

He rolls his eyes at me. "Only six more months until you get proved wrong."

I frown a little, my stomach knotting with anxiety at the thought. "I think I prefer the idea of her staying in here where she's safe." I sigh, turning to face him.

He gives me a sad half smile. "She can't stay in there forever Erin. Voight's too excited to meet her for one."

"I know, it's just... With today and everything... It got me thinking... Well, worrying actually...I don't know if I'll ever be able to watch her get on a school bus without worrying that she might not come back."

Jay puts his arms around me and hugs me as tight as my stomach will allow. "I know. We don't have to do today if you don't feel up to it. I'm sure everyone would understand."

I shake my head quickly. "No, I want to go. Speaking of which, we should get going before we are late."

He looks at me questioningly, giving me one last opportunity to change my mind, before he takes my hand and leads me out of the door.

The parking lot at the school is packed with cars, Jay luckily managing to find a spot close to where the rest of the intelligence unit were gathered.

"I thought maybe you'd changed your mind." Hank comments as I climb out of the car.

I quickly shake my head. "No, I wouldn't miss it. It just took me a little longer to get dressed than I thought it would. This doesn't really fit anymore." I smile.

Voight laughs quietly. "You'd better not be mean about my grandkid." He puts his arm around me and gives me a squeeze. "We'd best get going."

Everyone nods, Jay takes my hand and we start to make our way towards the front of the school. My breath catches in my throat as we make our way towards the front of the school. It might've been five years ago that Jay and I responded to that call, but it feels as though it was yesterday.

My grip on Jays hand tightens slightly as we walk up the front steps to the school. Five years ago, almost to this moment Jay and I came running up these steps, weapons drawn and adrenaline pumping with absolutely no idea what we would find on the other side of these doors.

On the outside, it looks as though nothing's changed in the last five years, but we all know that those twenty three minutes changed everyone's lives forever.

"Erin!" I spin around at the sound of my name, just as I reach the top of the steps, to find Laura Mills standing behind me.

"Laura, how are you doing?" I ask as she gives me a hug.

"I'm okay, it's not been easy. I can't say I'm enjoying being stuck behind a desk, but I'm thankful I've still got my job. It's taken some getting used too, the house feels so empty without them." She smiles sadly. "How are things with you?" She asks. "I see congratulations are in order!" She smiles, gesturing to my stomach.

I smile. "Thanks, it was a bit of a surprise." My hand subconsciously finds its its way to rest on my stomach.

"It's the best surprise you'll ever get." She says with a sad smile. "Lizzie was totally unexpected, but she was the best thing that ever happened to me."

"We should get inside." I say, giving her arm a quick squeeze. "We can catch up properly later."

She gives me a tight smile before disappearing off in to the crowd.

"Everything okay?" Jay asks as I rejoin our group. I nod and we step in to the corridor.

On the left hand side of us, where the children's lockers once were, hang photos of the children who died here in this corridor five years ago, a pile of flowers on the floor below them. I grip on to Jays hand even more tightly, if it's hurting him he doesn't say anything, as we make our way through the school and out to the courtyard. I force myself to concentrate on walking, rather than letting my mind take me back to what happened in this exact spot five years ago.

We step out in to the little courtyard that comes off the cafeteria to find it so filled with people there's hardly room for us to stand. As I look around I recognise the faces of the parents of the children who didn't make it out of the school that day, but also some of the children who did.

In the centre stands the memorial that was unveiled here four years ago, on the first anniversary of the shooting. Fifteen wooden pillars stand in a circle in the middle of the courtyard, each one with baring a plaque with the name of one of the people injured in the shooting.

We all stand in silence around the memorial, as the clock on the wall reaches 12:45. Five years ago today, Jay and I were messing around on what we thought was going to be a quiet day of paper work. Laura Mills was trying to decide what she should cook her daughter and husband for dinner. Julia O'Malley sat in her courtroom, looking forward to getting home and hearing home her sons day at school had been.

Five years ago today, none of the people in this courtyard had any idea of the way that their lives were about to be torn apart. Five years on and we're still waking up in the middle of the night, wishing we could've found a way to stop it somehow. Alex O'Malley might be facing a life behind bars for what he did, and that might bring some kind of closure for the people involved, but it's not enough to stop each and every one of us wondering if we could have done something more.

Every day I go in to work and pray that something like this will never happen again. Antonio calls Laura every day to check that the boys got home from school okay. Laura Mills sits at home alone at night in her big empty house, wondering why she didn't lock her gun away and Julia O'Malley wonders why she didn't notice what was happening with her son. Because even though five years have passed, and to some degree life has moved on, what happened in those twenty three minutes has changed us all forever, in ways we can't even begin to comprehend.


End file.
